1
00:02:43,042 --> 00:02:47,917
Oh, man, we rock! We rock so hard.
I was amazing, you were brilliant.
2
00:02:48,005 --> 00:02:51,837
Together, we were shitting gold, pure gold.
3
00:02:53,927 --> 00:02:55,671
You must admit, it is going well.
4
00:02:55,762 --> 00:03:00,922
Maybe. Maybe, so far,
the whole thing isn't a total fucking fiasco.
5
00:03:02,102 --> 00:03:07,606
Oh, God, Carol!
God, I'm so sorry, sweetheart. We were so...
6
00:03:07,690 --> 00:03:10,477
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay, no thanks to you.
7
00:03:10,568 --> 00:03:12,525
Great work on the box trick tonight.
8
00:03:12,612 --> 00:03:14,403
Of course I did great work on the box trick.
9
00:03:14,489 --> 00:03:17,062
I always do great work on the box trick.
10
00:03:17,158 --> 00:03:19,696
I'm the boxpert, yeah. It's what I do.
11
00:03:20,369 --> 00:03:24,118
Well, yeah.
Listen, I have to check in with the manager.
12
00:03:24,206 --> 00:03:26,744
Yeah? Good, 'cause me and Karl
have something we need to check, too.
13
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:29,407
- Yeah?
- Yeah. You know, what we talked about?
14
00:03:30,379 --> 00:03:32,253
- What, you mean now?
- Yes, now.
15
00:03:32,339 --> 00:03:33,917
See you later, Harry.
16
00:03:36,635 --> 00:03:40,502
Okay, I'm going to extend your run.
I want you to do another four weeks.
17
00:03:40,597 --> 00:03:43,266
That's potentially very exciting.
18
00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:46,765
Then I've got to do a week
of the Hungarian State bleeding Circus.
19
00:03:47,312 --> 00:03:49,185
I mean, three men and a chicken?
20
00:03:49,606 --> 00:03:51,231
How is that even a circus?
21
00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:56,895
In the meantime, I have an associate
who is looking for a cruise ship act.
22
00:03:56,988 --> 00:03:59,064
Very nice boat, very lucrative.
23
00:03:59,157 --> 00:04:01,232
- You interested?
- Brilliant. We'll do it.
24
00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:03,990
I mean, I should probably check with Karl...
25
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:05,453
But don't ask anyone else, will you?
26
00:04:05,538 --> 00:04:08,907
I mean, I can't stress enough,
Karl really is a total formality.
27
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,284
Karl?
28
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,540
Carol, what are you... Where's Karl?
29
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,128
Oh, I don't know.
30
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,675
What's in the box?
31
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:25,879
Don't open the box, Harry!
32
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,464
Why not?
33
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:28,930
Just...
34
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,932
What the... Karl!
35
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:35,482
Oh, God.
36
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:37,605
You...
37
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,816
Okay, look, so maybe this has happened,
38
00:04:39,904 --> 00:04:43,189
but let's just, for the next hour,
pretend it hasn't happened.
39
00:04:43,282 --> 00:04:45,322
How would you feel about that?
Does that sound like a plan?
40
00:05:54,017 --> 00:05:56,259
The thing about the Vegetator
is that it will never,
41
00:05:56,353 --> 00:05:58,511
and, I repeat, never need sharpening.
42
00:05:58,605 --> 00:06:02,020
You can cut your Tommy tomatoes with it,
you can cut your potatoes with it.
43
00:06:02,108 --> 00:06:05,192
It's so sharp, it can cut through tin cans.
44
00:06:07,113 --> 00:06:10,233
You can even cut right through
your own flesh into the bone
45
00:06:10,324 --> 00:06:12,815
if you're feeling depressed or Ionely.
46
00:06:13,786 --> 00:06:15,743
Bloody hell! Are you all right?
47
00:06:15,830 --> 00:06:18,321
Of course, with a knife like this,
48
00:06:19,375 --> 00:06:22,079
you're never likely
to be depressed or Ionely.
49
00:06:23,462 --> 00:06:26,747
This knife basically guarantees happiness.
50
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,465
I'm making a complaint.
51
00:06:29,134 --> 00:06:32,051
I'm sorry. It's fun, magical fun.
52
00:06:35,140 --> 00:06:37,132
- I think they liked it.
- I don't know what his problem is.
53
00:06:37,225 --> 00:06:38,470
That is a great trick.
54
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,679
I think they left with a feeling of wonder.
That's the important thing.
55
00:06:41,771 --> 00:06:44,725
Yeah, and I doubt
he's actually going to make a complaint.
56
00:06:44,857 --> 00:06:47,977
I mean, loads of people have said
they're going to, but who actually has?
57
00:06:56,035 --> 00:07:02,287
Greetings. I am Mind Monger,
and I am about to enter your brain.
58
00:07:02,374 --> 00:07:03,999
I don't know. The beard just feels wrong.
59
00:07:04,543 --> 00:07:06,168
Then let's lose the beard, man.
60
00:07:06,253 --> 00:07:08,542
You're not married to the beard.
61
00:07:08,630 --> 00:07:11,667
As your agent, that's why I'm here,
help you make these hard choices.
62
00:07:12,384 --> 00:07:15,669
So, this big pitch.
I thought I could kick off with a dove trick,
63
00:07:15,762 --> 00:07:17,671
but, sort of, mind-reader style.
64
00:07:17,764 --> 00:07:19,804
You know, say that
I'm projecting thoughts into its little...
65
00:07:19,891 --> 00:07:20,970
No, Karl.
66
00:07:21,559 --> 00:07:25,557
With the right spin, we can make just about
any kind of magic appear cool,
67
00:07:26,439 --> 00:07:27,684
but not doves.
68
00:07:28,233 --> 00:07:29,347
Otto...
69
00:07:29,442 --> 00:07:31,518
Doves aren't going to get you on TV, Karl.
70
00:07:33,112 --> 00:07:34,191
No, don't...
71
00:07:35,531 --> 00:07:37,773
Otto, the dove was stage-prepared.
72
00:07:38,326 --> 00:07:40,698
- Wing-clipped.
- What?
73
00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:44,950
Oh, shit.
74
00:07:47,251 --> 00:07:50,168
So, purpose of loan is basically...
75
00:07:50,254 --> 00:07:53,623
Eating, staying alive.
Is there a category for that?
76
00:07:54,424 --> 00:07:56,464
General. Okay.
77
00:07:56,551 --> 00:07:57,583
And in the last five years
78
00:07:57,677 --> 00:08:00,251
have there been
any major changes to your circumstances?
79
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,553
I am widowed. I'm a widower.
80
00:08:02,641 --> 00:08:06,175
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
81
00:08:06,269 --> 00:08:09,186
And do you mind if I ask, for the form,
how she died?
82
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:12,773
Right. She... She was...
83
00:08:13,484 --> 00:08:16,521
- You know.
- No. Sorry.
84
00:08:16,612 --> 00:08:19,483
It was the usual.
85
00:08:19,574 --> 00:08:20,736
The usual?
86
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:22,696
Decapitated.
87
00:08:23,327 --> 00:08:27,194
Blimey! Was that a traffic incident?
88
00:08:27,289 --> 00:08:29,661
Magic. It was a magic accident.
89
00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:31,078
Magic?
90
00:08:31,168 --> 00:08:34,786
I actually cut her head off with a guillotine.
91
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:35,959
Shit!
92
00:08:36,048 --> 00:08:38,087
I mean, no blame was attached to me.
93
00:08:38,175 --> 00:08:39,835
That's been proved in a court of law.
94
00:08:39,926 --> 00:08:42,417
Well, a coroner's court,
which is a court of law in point of fact.
95
00:08:42,512 --> 00:08:45,762
It was a freak accident. There were
seven different safety mechanisms, so...
96
00:08:46,266 --> 00:08:47,297
Right.
97
00:08:49,018 --> 00:08:51,094
You're not putting anything bad down,
are you?
98
00:08:52,397 --> 00:08:55,682
I'm a standard applicant.
Put that, "standard applicant," won't you?
99
00:08:55,775 --> 00:08:56,806
Sure.
100
00:08:57,693 --> 00:09:00,363
"Standard applicant."
101
00:09:02,156 --> 00:09:04,314
Just putting it twice.
102
00:09:08,287 --> 00:09:11,204
What are we waiting for? What time is it?
103
00:09:11,290 --> 00:09:13,697
What time is it? It's pitch o'clock.
104
00:09:14,501 --> 00:09:15,533
It's five to pitch.
105
00:09:17,921 --> 00:09:19,713
Okay. Okay, come on. Just keep moving.
106
00:09:19,798 --> 00:09:21,589
I'm just really, really not sure
this is a good idea.
107
00:09:21,675 --> 00:09:24,166
Hello. We're here for Caroline. Laters.
108
00:09:24,261 --> 00:09:26,300
- I need to see your passes.
- You do not need to see our passes.
109
00:09:26,388 --> 00:09:28,926
- I do need to see your passes.
- You have seen our passes.
110
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,552
Let's mind bomb some TV execs.
111
00:09:40,068 --> 00:09:42,144
What we need is a change in the...
112
00:09:42,236 --> 00:09:45,570
Hi. Caroline, Otto Johnson.
113
00:09:46,282 --> 00:09:48,025
We spoke briefly, once.
114
00:09:48,117 --> 00:09:50,738
You were fascinated by me and my ideas.
115
00:09:50,828 --> 00:09:53,200
I would like to present Karl Allen.
116
00:09:53,289 --> 00:09:56,373
Greetings. I am Mind Monger.
117
00:09:56,458 --> 00:10:00,290
Karl is going to work
some serious fucking magic on your ratings,
118
00:10:00,379 --> 00:10:01,458
if you know what I mean.
119
00:10:01,547 --> 00:10:02,827
Is this a pitch?
120
00:10:02,923 --> 00:10:05,165
It will only take a moment
of your human time.
121
00:10:05,258 --> 00:10:07,132
I'm sorry, but I'm in the middle of a meeting.
122
00:10:07,219 --> 00:10:09,710
I would like you to dip into your brain
and think of a word.
123
00:10:09,804 --> 00:10:11,464
Would you both please leave immediately?
124
00:10:11,556 --> 00:10:13,050
A word, a simple word.
125
00:10:13,141 --> 00:10:14,884
Okay, dickhead.
126
00:10:14,976 --> 00:10:17,645
- My word is "dickhead".
- Perfect.
127
00:10:17,729 --> 00:10:21,394
And now, if you would turn to the window
and look out of it,
128
00:10:21,482 --> 00:10:25,610
you will see the exact word
which I have just implanted into your brain.
129
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:31,614
That doesn't. That says "dickwad".
130
00:10:31,701 --> 00:10:34,156
- It says, "dickhead".
- "Dickwad."
131
00:10:34,245 --> 00:10:38,538
Well, come on!
There's a dick word on the bloody bridge.
132
00:10:39,708 --> 00:10:41,368
Let's let the dream live, yeah?
133
00:10:42,169 --> 00:10:46,167
I have to say, I have a very,
very good feeling about that.
134
00:10:46,256 --> 00:10:47,335
DANl: Hi! Hey, guys!
135
00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:50,754
I just wanted to say, dickwad,
dickhead, whatever!
136
00:10:50,844 --> 00:10:53,928
The big picture was
you actually put a word in her head.
137
00:10:54,014 --> 00:10:56,006
Exactly. Thank you.
138
00:10:56,099 --> 00:10:58,804
I mean, of course you're going to get
a few letters muddled here or there.
139
00:10:58,893 --> 00:11:01,265
I can't even get my broadband working
half the time, you know?
140
00:11:01,354 --> 00:11:03,643
Indeed. And it is a well-known factoid
141
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:06,816
that most people only use 1%
of their brain capacity.
142
00:11:06,901 --> 00:11:10,400
Even someone like me
is probably only using about 17%
143
00:11:10,488 --> 00:11:12,361
most of the time, so there will be errors.
144
00:11:12,448 --> 00:11:14,904
Exactly. Wow!
145
00:11:14,992 --> 00:11:16,190
Here,
146
00:11:17,036 --> 00:11:18,067
have my card.
147
00:11:18,996 --> 00:11:21,072
Great. The tea girl likes your act.
148
00:11:22,166 --> 00:11:25,001
Tell me, love, are you by any chance
going on that show
149
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:28,169
where you get to be
controller of a TV channel for a day.
150
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:29,286
- No.
Right.
151
00:11:29,798 --> 00:11:31,956
Then we should probably fuck off.
152
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:36,548
Walk with me, Karl.
153
00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:40,974
I'd love to help, really,
but I don't know, Harry.
154
00:11:41,059 --> 00:11:46,136
I just feel now's the time.
Time for me to get back on the magic horse.
155
00:11:46,230 --> 00:11:50,394
Sure. It's just
I really can't book you for anything.
156
00:11:50,485 --> 00:11:54,482
I mean, I know you do a great,
and, no doubt, totally safe show,
157
00:11:54,572 --> 00:11:57,110
but imagine if it came out...
- Is that...
158
00:11:57,199 --> 00:11:58,859
Is that who I think it is?
159
00:11:58,951 --> 00:12:02,118
- Oh, my God! I'm going to shit! Harry Kane!
- Say something to him.
160
00:12:03,372 --> 00:12:06,326
Oh, sure, like I'm just going to
go up to Harry Kane and say something.
161
00:12:06,417 --> 00:12:07,911
Are you trying to kill me?
162
00:12:08,001 --> 00:12:09,033
What about in the shop?
163
00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:12,212
I could dem a few tricks.
I might be something of an attraction.
164
00:12:12,714 --> 00:12:14,090
Not in a good way, Harry.
165
00:12:15,092 --> 00:12:21,710
Look, a guy came in looking for pros
to cold read on a tarot phone line.
166
00:12:21,806 --> 00:12:26,018
I told him people wouldn't be interested,
but maybe...
167
00:12:27,145 --> 00:12:28,176
Right.
168
00:12:29,188 --> 00:12:30,220
Psychic.
169
00:12:31,607 --> 00:12:32,687
Thanks.
170
00:12:44,286 --> 00:12:48,498
So, I'll take you out and show you
my prop van in a bit, but first, coffee.
171
00:12:48,582 --> 00:12:52,662
- How do you like it?
- Weak and white, like my men.
172
00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:56,663
So, this is nice. You've got a nice flat.
173
00:12:57,257 --> 00:13:00,044
I bet you say that to all the men
whose flats you go round to.
174
00:13:01,219 --> 00:13:03,627
Not that you go round
to loads of men's flats.
175
00:13:03,722 --> 00:13:06,509
- It's okay. You were joking.
- Yes. Thank you.
176
00:13:08,101 --> 00:13:11,766
So, this is amazing,
you working in the shop,
177
00:13:11,854 --> 00:13:15,223
and me with no idea
you'd been a magician's assistant for...
178
00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:19,444
The thing is, basically, that is a lie.
179
00:13:20,196 --> 00:13:21,904
A lie?
180
00:13:21,989 --> 00:13:25,440
You see, I really, really want to do this.
181
00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:27,741
I brought a CD to audition. It's not magic.
182
00:13:27,828 --> 00:13:30,200
It's just a dance routine
me and Karen used to do
183
00:13:30,289 --> 00:13:31,368
in the stockroom.
184
00:13:31,457 --> 00:13:33,533
Okay, the thing is...
185
00:13:33,625 --> 00:13:38,003
I'm really sorry about this, but it is
a very prestigious competition and...
186
00:13:38,088 --> 00:13:41,457
Yeah. And this is a really fun dance.
187
00:13:43,802 --> 00:13:45,261
I burned a CD.
188
00:13:47,722 --> 00:13:50,047
Well, I suppose if you've burned a CD.
189
00:13:54,020 --> 00:13:59,524
Okay. So, if you just want to imagine
that there's two of us
190
00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:03,728
standing next to each other
just doing pretty much the same thing.
191
00:14:05,740 --> 00:14:07,483
But if you can't...
If you can't, it doesn't matter.
192
00:14:10,161 --> 00:14:11,192
Okay.
193
00:15:02,377 --> 00:15:06,126
Anyway, you get the idea.
So, what do you think?
194
00:15:11,595 --> 00:15:13,137
I liked it.
195
00:15:13,221 --> 00:15:15,427
Great. What was your favourite bit?
196
00:15:17,058 --> 00:15:21,222
The bit where you were on the floor.
197
00:15:21,312 --> 00:15:23,471
Yeah, that's a good bit, isn't it?
198
00:15:23,564 --> 00:15:27,229
So, look, I know it's not magic,
199
00:15:28,945 --> 00:15:30,273
but what do you say?
200
00:15:31,322 --> 00:15:34,691
Well, my answer is...
201
00:15:35,826 --> 00:15:39,160
- My answer is yes.
- Yes!
202
00:15:39,246 --> 00:15:42,995
- But we'll need a lot of rehearsal.
- Oh, yeah, of course. Totally. I mean...
203
00:15:43,083 --> 00:15:47,544
So, I think we should probably
wait till the next Shield in 2011.
204
00:15:47,629 --> 00:15:49,752
Or maybe the one after? 2015?
205
00:15:52,843 --> 00:15:57,837
But I think with four to eight years practise,
we stand a really strong chance.
206
00:16:07,565 --> 00:16:08,644
...and keep the money.
- Right.
207
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:09,847
This is my money, I should point out.
208
00:16:09,942 --> 00:16:12,694
It doesn't belong to the production company
or Channel 4. This is mine.
209
00:16:14,071 --> 00:16:18,318
So, with the best will in the world,
I'm going to try to make you not win it.
210
00:16:19,702 --> 00:16:24,245
Sure? All right. Can you sort it out?
211
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:27,332
- Hello?
- Hello, Karl. This is Harry.
212
00:16:28,835 --> 00:16:30,080
Shit.
213
00:16:30,170 --> 00:16:32,626
Yes. Now, listen.
214
00:16:33,924 --> 00:16:38,004
I was thinking we should maybe
enter the Shield together.
215
00:16:39,137 --> 00:16:41,379
Now, look,
I don't want to talk about feelings.
216
00:16:41,473 --> 00:16:45,802
We both have feelings,
that's horribly obvious, but, well,
217
00:16:45,894 --> 00:16:48,100
if you do not wish to think about entering,
218
00:16:48,187 --> 00:16:50,144
please replace the receiver now.
219
00:16:50,231 --> 00:16:53,148
If you wish to hear my thoughts,
please stay on the line.
220
00:16:59,698 --> 00:17:01,358
Okay, it would be strictly business.
221
00:17:01,450 --> 00:17:03,775
In, win, split the money, goodbye.
222
00:17:03,869 --> 00:17:08,864
No bar chat, bonhomie
or late night laugh sessions.
223
00:17:10,876 --> 00:17:12,121
If you're interested,
224
00:17:12,669 --> 00:17:15,540
please state the word "interested"
at this point.
225
00:17:16,381 --> 00:17:17,412
Interested.
226
00:17:17,507 --> 00:17:19,251
Good. Then, I was thinking for the prelims,
227
00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:22,094
we could do the cut-down routine,
the 10-minuter.
228
00:17:22,178 --> 00:17:25,927
If you're on board please state,
"See you there, Harry,"
229
00:17:26,015 --> 00:17:28,091
and we will see each other there.
230
00:17:28,184 --> 00:17:29,809
"See you there, Harry."
231
00:17:29,894 --> 00:17:32,266
- Likewise. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
232
00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:33,517
Likewise.
233
00:18:00,173 --> 00:18:01,418
Could you pass me that magazine,
please, Otto?
234
00:18:01,508 --> 00:18:02,919
Oh, right.
235
00:18:03,009 --> 00:18:04,634
It's like that now, is it?
236
00:18:04,719 --> 00:18:06,878
Not content with dragging me
all the way to Jersey,
237
00:18:06,971 --> 00:18:08,881
now I have to pass him the magazine.
238
00:18:13,227 --> 00:18:16,431
Yeah, pulled a hot one last night.
We did it three times.
239
00:18:16,522 --> 00:18:19,607
Once, immediately we got to my room.
Loads of jizz.
240
00:18:19,692 --> 00:18:22,942
Then first thing this morning. A bit less jizz.
241
00:18:23,029 --> 00:18:26,694
Then about 20 minutes after that,
almost no jizz at all.
242
00:18:28,784 --> 00:18:30,942
- Harry?
- Oh, hi, Tony.
243
00:18:31,036 --> 00:18:33,076
What the hell? Are you off to the Shield?
244
00:18:33,163 --> 00:18:34,990
Why are you taking a ferry, you big loser?
245
00:18:35,082 --> 00:18:36,790
Well, I don't like to fly.
246
00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:39,995
Actually, that may or may not be true,
because I've never actually flown.
247
00:18:40,087 --> 00:18:41,960
Listen, good luck for the Shield.
248
00:18:42,047 --> 00:18:43,327
Don't need it. You do.
249
00:18:44,466 --> 00:18:46,423
- Right.
- Exactly.
250
00:18:46,509 --> 00:18:49,463
- So, what do you think of the pussy?
- What?
251
00:18:49,554 --> 00:18:52,757
You don't get out much, do you?
Ferry pussy?
252
00:18:52,849 --> 00:18:54,426
Oh, come on. I'll show you.
253
00:18:54,517 --> 00:18:56,842
Question: what is
a hunter's favourite place?
254
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:58,561
Tony, I don't know. Kenya?
255
00:18:58,646 --> 00:19:01,018
Answer: the watering hole,
256
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:03,479
because that's where all his prey comes
in the end.
257
00:19:03,568 --> 00:19:05,441
- Suck my wand?
- I beg your pardon?
258
00:19:05,528 --> 00:19:07,105
Suck my wand? It's magic.
259
00:19:07,196 --> 00:19:10,113
- I'm so sorry!
- I'll ask up to 30 women a night.
260
00:19:10,199 --> 00:19:13,069
Law of averages, eventually, I'll get a bit.
That is the law.
261
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:14,903
- Suck my wand?
- Kiss my arse.
262
00:19:14,995 --> 00:19:17,451
Yeah, you will get that occasionally.
263
00:19:17,539 --> 00:19:19,828
Suck my wand?
Want to suck my magic wand?
264
00:19:19,917 --> 00:19:21,874
Not until you've eaten me out.
265
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,167
Oh, now that's just disgusting!
266
00:19:24,254 --> 00:19:25,452
I mean, I was just trying to have a bit of fun
267
00:19:25,547 --> 00:19:27,255
and she has to come out with that.
268
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,048
It's disgusting, right?
269
00:20:07,295 --> 00:20:09,039
Kane! One o'clock, it's Kane!
270
00:20:10,757 --> 00:20:14,292
You know, they say that afterwards
her body ran around on its own
271
00:20:14,386 --> 00:20:16,212
like some kind of weird chicken.
272
00:20:44,915 --> 00:20:46,742
Nice work, Wolfgang.
273
00:20:46,833 --> 00:20:49,122
There will be a card on your dinner table.
274
00:20:49,211 --> 00:20:52,377
Yellow means through to the next round.
Red means no.
275
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,248
Red is a rejection, yeah? You got that?
276
00:20:57,969 --> 00:20:59,132
Good luck.
277
00:21:02,182 --> 00:21:03,759
You'll fucking need it.
278
00:21:05,935 --> 00:21:09,767
There's no method to that, apparently.
He just takes the pain.
279
00:21:09,856 --> 00:21:11,266
Sick bastard.
280
00:21:11,774 --> 00:21:16,519
Yeah, and so, like, the third time,
there was, like, hardly any jizz at all, no...
281
00:21:20,324 --> 00:21:22,732
Bloody Nora! Gee whiz!
282
00:21:22,826 --> 00:21:24,783
Dwight. Dwight.
283
00:21:24,870 --> 00:21:27,159
Bloody hell! How are you doing, kid?
284
00:21:27,247 --> 00:21:29,287
- I've not seen you for...
- Seven months.
285
00:21:29,374 --> 00:21:30,999
Yeah, yeah, something like that. Yeah.
286
00:21:31,084 --> 00:21:34,500
- Hey, it's too long, that, kiddo.
- Yeah. Yeah, it is a bit too long, Dad.
287
00:21:34,588 --> 00:21:37,707
Yeah, exactly.
We should hang out more, huh?
288
00:21:37,799 --> 00:21:40,337
- You never call.
- You never call.
289
00:21:40,427 --> 00:21:42,834
Yeah, well, you never call me, so quits.
290
00:21:44,139 --> 00:21:46,012
So, how are you? What are you doing here?
291
00:21:46,099 --> 00:21:47,676
I'm here for the Junior Shield.
292
00:21:48,268 --> 00:21:51,019
I didn't even know you were into magic.
God, you never tell me anything!
293
00:21:51,104 --> 00:21:52,479
I did tell you, Dad.
294
00:21:52,563 --> 00:21:54,057
No, because I think
I would have remembered.
295
00:21:54,148 --> 00:21:55,559
I definitely did tell you.
296
00:21:55,650 --> 00:21:57,726
All right, Son. Back off a bit there.
I'm still your dad.
297
00:21:58,778 --> 00:21:59,809
Dwight?
298
00:22:00,446 --> 00:22:02,403
That's me. I've got to go.
299
00:22:02,490 --> 00:22:04,281
Good. Good luck.
300
00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:07,782
Don't fuck it up. I'm kidding. Kidding.
301
00:22:10,622 --> 00:22:13,623
Oh, my God. I mean, have you even...
Have you looked in a mirror?
302
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:18,203
I give up my job at MTV and my screenplay
that was involved in all that litigation,
303
00:22:18,296 --> 00:22:19,838
all for you, and then one bad pitch
304
00:22:19,923 --> 00:22:22,129
and you come
running on back to Head-Chop Harry.
305
00:22:22,217 --> 00:22:23,545
Otto, it's just one comp,
306
00:22:23,635 --> 00:22:26,042
and it was only the post room at MTV
and the screenplay didn't...
307
00:22:26,137 --> 00:22:30,349
Two years! Two years we spend on the look,
the smell of the act.
308
00:22:30,433 --> 00:22:32,342
We spent three months
getting the sideburns the right length
309
00:22:32,435 --> 00:22:34,226
for Christ's sake, Karl.
310
00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:36,844
Oh, right, yeah.
311
00:22:37,732 --> 00:22:39,641
God forbid
I should enter the magic sanctum.
312
00:22:51,829 --> 00:22:54,699
Oh, my God!
Does that mean what I think it means?
313
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:03,462
They're not? Shit! Kane and Allen.
314
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:06,460
I have achieved wood.
315
00:23:11,598 --> 00:23:12,629
Gentlemen.
316
00:23:16,811 --> 00:23:19,480
It's like Israel and Palestine.
317
00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:22,185
Yeah, entering
a magic competition together.
318
00:23:24,610 --> 00:23:28,193
Harry! Karl! Together!
319
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,522
Fantastic! This is amazing!
320
00:23:31,367 --> 00:23:32,944
I'm really sorry to have to call you in,
321
00:23:33,035 --> 00:23:36,700
but we need a first round to,
you know, sort the wheat from the chaff.
322
00:23:38,332 --> 00:23:40,787
I just wanted to say to you, Harry, you know,
323
00:23:40,876 --> 00:23:45,004
about the incredibly sad incident.
324
00:23:45,088 --> 00:23:48,539
Our PR people feel that this could be,
325
00:23:48,633 --> 00:23:52,417
not in a tasteless way,
amazing for the comp,
326
00:23:52,512 --> 00:23:55,264
so I just wanted to settle your mind
on that score.
327
00:23:55,348 --> 00:23:56,759
Oh, great.
328
00:23:57,308 --> 00:23:59,100
So, we're a little rusty,
but we'll be performing...
329
00:23:59,185 --> 00:24:01,676
You're through, okay?
That's it. Done and dusted.
330
00:24:01,771 --> 00:24:04,060
Well, I think we'd better just
do a run-through just to freshen up.
331
00:24:04,148 --> 00:24:05,523
So, here is a normal handkerchief.
332
00:24:05,608 --> 00:24:08,977
Actually, Mike, if it's okay,
I thought we'd do something different.
333
00:24:09,070 --> 00:24:11,358
When I had a look,
the dye tubes had got a bit damp, so...
334
00:24:11,447 --> 00:24:15,527
Don't worry on my account. I'm putting
your yellow cards in the envelopes.
335
00:24:15,617 --> 00:24:18,073
- You've decided to change the trick?
- I was going to discuss it before.
336
00:24:18,162 --> 00:24:19,869
I'm sorry I was late, okay?
337
00:24:19,955 --> 00:24:22,113
The hotel had accidentally
booked us a double.
338
00:24:22,207 --> 00:24:23,998
I thought we could do the bullet catch.
339
00:24:24,084 --> 00:24:26,207
Brilliant. Saw you do it in '98.
Lovely illusion.
340
00:24:26,294 --> 00:24:28,536
You're through.
Okay, send in the next guy, will you?
341
00:24:28,630 --> 00:24:32,295
So, right, you want me to stand here
while you point a gun at my head?
342
00:24:32,384 --> 00:24:33,463
It's only blanks, Karl.
343
00:24:33,551 --> 00:24:35,591
They are not blanks. They are live rounds.
344
00:24:35,678 --> 00:24:39,343
I'm just not sure if I'm comfortable with,
you know.
345
00:24:39,432 --> 00:24:42,219
Oh, that's nice. I know what you're implying.
346
00:24:42,310 --> 00:24:44,682
- I didn't say it.
- The implication is clear.
347
00:24:44,771 --> 00:24:48,850
Harry, you cut her head off. Okay?
I don't want you pointing a gun at me.
348
00:24:48,941 --> 00:24:52,524
We were not going to talk, Karl.
We agreed not to talk,
349
00:24:52,611 --> 00:24:55,316
and that was the main thing
we were not going to talk about.
350
00:24:55,406 --> 00:24:59,653
Honestly, guys, relax. You're through, okay?
351
00:24:59,743 --> 00:25:03,492
Listen, Mike, I'm going solo, okay?
Put me down as a solo act.
352
00:25:03,580 --> 00:25:07,827
Okay, fine. If he's going solo,
I'll go solo, too. Put me down for solo.
353
00:25:07,918 --> 00:25:09,578
I can take the heat solo.
354
00:25:09,669 --> 00:25:12,670
It'll be interesting
to see whether you can, Harry.
355
00:25:12,756 --> 00:25:16,967
You don't really think it'll be interesting.
You think I won't be very good.
356
00:25:17,052 --> 00:25:22,093
But, in fact, I will be very good,
and that will be very interesting for me.
357
00:25:29,939 --> 00:25:33,604
Oh, my God! Karl, you will never guess
who I just bumped into in the street.
358
00:25:33,693 --> 00:25:36,943
Answer: Daisy Pryor
from Fast Frame Productions.
359
00:25:37,029 --> 00:25:39,900
She was literally
just simply looking at some cakes.
360
00:25:39,990 --> 00:25:43,904
She's down here scouting for TV talent.
We had a great chat. A great chat.
361
00:25:43,994 --> 00:25:46,450
- Wow, Otto, man!
- Exactly.
362
00:25:46,538 --> 00:25:49,243
What shall I do for her?
What shall I do for the second round?
363
00:25:49,333 --> 00:25:51,705
Mr Potato Head.
That's always pretty amazing.
364
00:25:51,793 --> 00:25:58,840
Yes. Or, do your Potato Head shit,
but you do it Blaine-styling. Up a tree.
365
00:25:59,759 --> 00:26:01,004
Up a tree?
366
00:26:01,094 --> 00:26:02,125
Not up a tree.
367
00:26:02,595 --> 00:26:03,627
In a pond!
368
00:26:04,222 --> 00:26:06,261
- In a pond?
- Not in a pond.
369
00:26:08,142 --> 00:26:10,301
Buried up to your neck in the sand.
370
00:26:12,563 --> 00:26:16,691
- No, I don't like that.
- You, in the freaking sand!
371
00:26:16,776 --> 00:26:18,982
Just your little head poking out.
372
00:26:19,069 --> 00:26:22,734
I will webcast it. Daisy will freak.
There'll be a huge buzz.
373
00:26:22,823 --> 00:26:24,614
German housewives logging on.
374
00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:28,151
Japanese guys probably jerking off
looking at your head.
375
00:26:28,245 --> 00:26:29,953
And here's the pitch,
376
00:26:30,038 --> 00:26:31,995
you don't need food.
377
00:26:32,082 --> 00:26:34,121
You are living off your brain.
378
00:26:45,553 --> 00:26:49,136
I can't say how grateful I am
you flew over at such short notice.
379
00:26:49,599 --> 00:26:50,713
Very brave.
380
00:26:50,808 --> 00:26:53,595
Yeah, well,
I don't have a problem with flying, so...
381
00:26:53,686 --> 00:26:57,684
It is brave.
Thousands of feet up through the thin air.
382
00:26:58,524 --> 00:26:59,804
That's brave.
383
00:26:59,900 --> 00:27:03,768
Yeah, well, I'm just pleased
you want me to be your assistant.
384
00:27:03,863 --> 00:27:05,606
You must be really desperate.
385
00:27:05,990 --> 00:27:09,939
No, that's not the truth.
That's not at all the truth.
386
00:27:11,245 --> 00:27:14,411
And you don't mind about
not doing the dance?
387
00:27:15,457 --> 00:27:19,786
Sure. Sure, I mean,
I might do a bit of the dance
388
00:27:19,878 --> 00:27:21,954
when you're not looking, but...
389
00:27:22,047 --> 00:27:23,078
Joke.
390
00:27:26,926 --> 00:27:30,675
- Wow! Are these all your tricks?
- That's right.
391
00:27:30,763 --> 00:27:33,515
- What's that?
- Oh, that? Levitation kit.
392
00:27:33,599 --> 00:27:36,269
Needs a huge amount of strength
in the forearm.
393
00:27:36,352 --> 00:27:38,558
Karl tried,
but he could never quite manage it.
394
00:27:38,646 --> 00:27:41,053
It was funny once, because we...
395
00:27:41,148 --> 00:27:43,639
Anyway, I had to practise for weeks
after I made it.
396
00:27:43,734 --> 00:27:45,774
You start to think that you're going nuts,
397
00:27:45,861 --> 00:27:49,729
but then, when you take it somewhere
and fry, really fry an audience,
398
00:27:49,823 --> 00:27:54,319
so that you can actually hear them gasp,
399
00:27:56,330 --> 00:27:58,867
then that's an acceptable end to the trick.
400
00:27:59,666 --> 00:28:02,239
- They actually gasp?
- Sometimes.
401
00:28:03,128 --> 00:28:06,461
So, maybe we should go
with the levitation and the sponge balls.
402
00:28:06,548 --> 00:28:07,746
What's this?
403
00:28:08,508 --> 00:28:11,841
- This looks amazing!
- Oh, that. That's not a...
404
00:28:11,928 --> 00:28:13,885
I really wasn't planning on using that.
405
00:28:13,972 --> 00:28:15,845
But this should be the climax of the act.
406
00:28:16,641 --> 00:28:19,132
- No.
- No? Why not?
407
00:28:19,227 --> 00:28:22,346
Why not? Well, because...
408
00:28:22,438 --> 00:28:28,274
That's something that I should
probably explain, which is that...
409
00:28:30,571 --> 00:28:34,651
That in fact the technical skills involved
in manipulating the balls
410
00:28:34,742 --> 00:28:36,734
are actually far greater
than in operating the...
411
00:28:36,827 --> 00:28:40,575
Listen, you may be too close
to your act to realise,
412
00:28:40,664 --> 00:28:44,792
but, trust me, I know what's better out
of sponge balls or a wicked, big guillotine.
413
00:28:44,876 --> 00:28:46,750
- But...
- We're going with the guillotine, Harry,
414
00:28:46,837 --> 00:28:49,043
because I want to win, yeah?
415
00:28:49,130 --> 00:28:51,800
- I'm not messing about.
- No. Sure.
416
00:28:51,883 --> 00:28:53,922
We're going to fuck them. Right, Harry?
417
00:28:55,053 --> 00:28:58,671
- Right.
- No, we are. Say it.
418
00:28:59,974 --> 00:29:02,132
We're going to fuck them.
419
00:29:03,352 --> 00:29:04,384
That's right.
420
00:29:05,104 --> 00:29:07,180
Where are we going to fuck them, Harry?
421
00:29:07,273 --> 00:29:09,230
In the auditorium?
422
00:29:09,316 --> 00:29:13,812
No. No, not the auditorium, Harry.
In the arse.
423
00:29:13,904 --> 00:29:15,980
We're going to fuck them in the arse.
424
00:29:16,657 --> 00:29:17,688
Say it.
425
00:29:18,617 --> 00:29:23,078
We're going to fuck them in the arse.
426
00:29:35,550 --> 00:29:38,883
- Shit! Otto.
- What?
427
00:29:39,012 --> 00:29:41,763
That's her, isn't it? It's Dani.
428
00:29:42,807 --> 00:29:45,262
The TV coffee person we've been texting.
429
00:29:45,351 --> 00:29:47,059
Oh, my God! You are kidding!
430
00:29:47,144 --> 00:29:48,769
She said she might,
but I didn't think she'd actually...
431
00:29:48,854 --> 00:29:52,437
She's come all the way down here?
She's a bloody stalker!
432
00:29:52,525 --> 00:29:54,980
- What?
- Seriously, that... She's mental.
433
00:29:55,069 --> 00:29:56,267
Don't... Don't do it. Honestly,
434
00:29:56,362 --> 00:29:59,446
she probably keeps poo
in her handbag. Seriously.
435
00:29:59,948 --> 00:30:02,321
- Dani?
- Karl!
436
00:30:02,409 --> 00:30:06,027
- Hey there, Dani.
- Hi! God, you're here!
437
00:30:06,121 --> 00:30:08,790
This is just so incredible.
438
00:30:08,874 --> 00:30:11,032
I mean, this morning
I just sat down to have a normal breakfast,
439
00:30:11,126 --> 00:30:14,744
and then this thought popped into my head,
"Why not go and see Karl?"
440
00:30:14,838 --> 00:30:18,123
- Yeah, that's amazing.
- Yeah, isn't it?
441
00:30:20,635 --> 00:30:23,208
- It was you, wasn't it?
- I'm sorry?
442
00:30:23,304 --> 00:30:26,258
You made me come down here, didn't you?
443
00:30:27,016 --> 00:30:29,887
- Well, I...
- You know, influenced me.
444
00:30:30,561 --> 00:30:31,724
I'm under your power.
445
00:30:32,605 --> 00:30:35,392
Well, there may have been seeds planted,
446
00:30:35,483 --> 00:30:37,890
but I would never make you do
anything you didn't want to do.
447
00:30:37,985 --> 00:30:41,152
Right. That's what I expected you'd say.
448
00:30:42,239 --> 00:30:44,991
- So, would you like a drink?
- God, that is freaky.
449
00:30:45,868 --> 00:30:48,359
You knew exactly what I was thinking.
450
00:30:48,453 --> 00:30:52,285
Right, yeah. Vibrations.
So, what would you like?
451
00:30:53,166 --> 00:30:56,333
Come on. You know.
452
00:30:57,545 --> 00:31:02,338
A pint for me, please,
and a white wine for the lady.
453
00:31:02,425 --> 00:31:05,545
Amazing. White wine. Wow.
Yeah, you got me.
454
00:31:05,637 --> 00:31:07,843
That is exactly what I drink.
455
00:31:07,930 --> 00:31:10,635
White wine, or red wine.
456
00:31:11,684 --> 00:31:12,715
Or a lager.
457
00:31:32,162 --> 00:31:37,239
So, music, music, music,
and you're now flying Harry Kane Airlines.
458
00:31:37,334 --> 00:31:39,160
And applause, applause, applause.
459
00:31:40,462 --> 00:31:43,379
Brilliant. So, how am I doing so far?
460
00:31:43,465 --> 00:31:46,335
You're good.
You're really amazingly good at this.
461
00:31:46,426 --> 00:31:49,676
Yeah. Actually, it's a bit tight
round my bum, Harry.
462
00:31:49,762 --> 00:31:51,921
Could you just get a finger in there
and give it a waggle?
463
00:31:52,015 --> 00:31:53,473
Under the strap, obviously.
464
00:31:54,350 --> 00:31:56,010
Not in my bum!
465
00:31:56,686 --> 00:32:00,101
Sure, yes, I'll just get my hands in there,
under there.
466
00:32:01,023 --> 00:32:04,724
So, how do I compare
to your other assistants?
467
00:32:04,818 --> 00:32:06,063
I bet you've had lots.
468
00:32:06,153 --> 00:32:07,896
Not really. Just the one really.
469
00:32:07,988 --> 00:32:11,024
Really? What was she like?
Was she as good as me?
470
00:32:11,116 --> 00:32:13,275
Yeah, well, she was fine.
471
00:32:13,368 --> 00:32:16,453
I might leave the levitation kit here.
My room's packed out and...
472
00:32:16,538 --> 00:32:21,615
He doesn't want to talk about it.
Did you have an affair with her, Harry?
473
00:32:21,710 --> 00:32:23,370
Is that why you don't want to talk about it?
474
00:32:23,461 --> 00:32:25,620
It was... She was...
475
00:32:25,714 --> 00:32:28,086
As a matter of fact, she was my wife.
476
00:32:28,174 --> 00:32:30,582
Your wife? So you're married?
477
00:32:30,677 --> 00:32:35,338
- Oh, no. No, no, no. Not anymore.
- Oh, right. So what happened?
478
00:32:35,431 --> 00:32:38,218
There. I think that should be a bit better.
479
00:32:38,309 --> 00:32:40,302
The sexual harassment is over.
480
00:32:40,394 --> 00:32:42,885
- God, I'm so sorry! Did I...
- Relax, Harry, okay?
481
00:32:42,980 --> 00:32:45,471
You can cup my arse anytime.
482
00:33:12,717 --> 00:33:17,675
Genuine fake turd based on
the 1947 Ted Krueger original design.
483
00:33:17,764 --> 00:33:18,926
It's a classic.
484
00:33:20,183 --> 00:33:21,428
Is it magic?
485
00:33:21,517 --> 00:33:24,471
It's on the borderline,
where magic meets novelty.
486
00:33:25,688 --> 00:33:28,724
Here are the flowers, the flowers of love.
487
00:33:28,816 --> 00:33:30,393
The flowers of love? Oh, God.
488
00:33:30,484 --> 00:33:32,690
Are you kidding me? Lose that.
Don't say that.
489
00:33:32,778 --> 00:33:35,779
Where do they come from?
To whence will they go?
490
00:33:35,864 --> 00:33:37,656
Whence? Oh, whence?
491
00:33:37,741 --> 00:33:39,698
Indeed, whither goeth the flowers?
492
00:33:39,785 --> 00:33:43,035
To Klangindor, perchance,
to charm Princess Hobdongle?
493
00:33:43,538 --> 00:33:48,580
For here is the posy now, and now...
494
00:33:49,294 --> 00:33:50,325
It's gone!
495
00:33:52,213 --> 00:33:54,585
- Thank you.
- Hey, hey, where did you source that?
496
00:33:54,674 --> 00:33:56,797
It's my own mechanism, Dad. I made it.
497
00:33:56,885 --> 00:33:59,091
- Oh. How does it work then?
- Can't say.
498
00:33:59,178 --> 00:34:01,586
Oh, come on, Son.
Don't come the old pro with me. Tell me.
499
00:34:01,681 --> 00:34:03,175
- No.
- That was brilliant.
500
00:34:03,266 --> 00:34:06,931
You might want to rethink the hair,
but the trick was brilliant.
501
00:34:07,019 --> 00:34:09,641
I taught him everything he knows.
502
00:34:09,730 --> 00:34:13,099
The only thing I learnt from you
was how to be a selfish shit.
503
00:34:14,276 --> 00:34:17,977
That's just banter, matey banter.
We're always at it, back and forth.
504
00:34:18,072 --> 00:34:21,772
Anyway, I'm Tony White.
Don't believe the rumours. They're all true.
505
00:34:22,534 --> 00:34:23,815
Except for the duck thing.
506
00:34:23,911 --> 00:34:27,529
I mean, do I actually look
like the sort of bloke who'd suck off a duck?
507
00:34:38,007 --> 00:34:42,301
How deep is he going?
Does he need to go that deep?
508
00:34:42,387 --> 00:34:45,423
What about burrowing creatures?
Have you researched this?
509
00:34:45,515 --> 00:34:47,388
It's perfect. Bye-bye.
510
00:34:47,475 --> 00:34:49,717
That, my friend,
was Fast Frame Productions,
511
00:34:49,810 --> 00:34:52,218
Daisy Pryor. Now she's seen the show reel,
512
00:34:52,313 --> 00:34:57,555
she thinks, and I quote,
she might want your face for their show.
513
00:34:57,651 --> 00:34:59,062
Meeting's tonight at 8:00.
514
00:34:59,153 --> 00:35:00,611
They want my face?
515
00:35:00,696 --> 00:35:03,697
You've made them want my face,
you bloody king!
516
00:35:06,326 --> 00:35:09,031
Okay, tonight at 8:00.
So, the only thing about tonight is
517
00:35:09,121 --> 00:35:11,409
I'm supposed to be meeting Dani for dinner.
518
00:35:11,498 --> 00:35:14,119
- Yeah, well, cancel her.
- Yeah, I'll just cancel her.
519
00:35:14,209 --> 00:35:17,744
Yeah, obviously.
I can't believe you even had to think twice.
520
00:35:17,837 --> 00:35:19,629
Well, I didn't have to think twice.
I just thought once.
521
00:35:19,714 --> 00:35:22,287
Yeah. I can't believe
you even had to think once.
522
00:35:22,634 --> 00:35:24,840
Why do we even want to see
her fat face again?
523
00:35:24,928 --> 00:35:27,632
- She hasn't got a fat face.
- She's got quite a fat face.
524
00:35:27,722 --> 00:35:29,430
I'll just call her and get her to change...
525
00:35:29,515 --> 00:35:31,638
Karl, please, can you stop calling her?
526
00:35:31,726 --> 00:35:34,561
- Why?
- Why? "Why," he asks.
527
00:35:34,645 --> 00:35:36,305
- Well, what about us?
- Us?
528
00:35:36,397 --> 00:35:40,644
- Yes, what about us?
- What "us"? There isn't an "us", is there?
529
00:35:40,734 --> 00:35:41,849
Of course there's an us!
530
00:35:41,944 --> 00:35:43,521
It's me and you, together.
531
00:35:43,612 --> 00:35:45,984
The team. Having a laugh, kissing.
532
00:35:46,949 --> 00:35:48,822
- We don't kiss.
- We just had a kiss.
533
00:35:48,909 --> 00:35:51,447
Yeah, but that was an accident.
534
00:35:51,536 --> 00:35:54,621
An... Right, okay, an accident.
535
00:35:54,706 --> 00:35:59,035
Like the way your leg brushes against mine
every time we take a taxi together?
536
00:35:59,127 --> 00:36:00,954
That's a lot of accidents, Karl.
537
00:36:10,054 --> 00:36:13,055
Harry! Hey, Harry!
538
00:36:17,144 --> 00:36:18,259
Hello, Harry.
539
00:36:18,354 --> 00:36:21,271
I didn't not hear you.
I was ignoring you on purpose.
540
00:36:21,357 --> 00:36:22,851
You know, to be rude.
541
00:36:22,942 --> 00:36:26,061
Right, I get it. Bitter.
542
00:36:27,029 --> 00:36:31,489
Yeah, life after Karl
must be pretty tough, all by yourself.
543
00:36:31,575 --> 00:36:33,698
Yeah, well, I've got a new assistant, actually.
544
00:36:33,785 --> 00:36:36,703
Yes. Karl and I met her in the bar last night.
545
00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:43,833
She seemed pretty surprised when Karl
mentioned the, you know, incident.
546
00:36:45,213 --> 00:36:48,463
Anyway, good luck in the next round.
547
00:36:57,517 --> 00:36:58,715
Can I help you?
548
00:36:59,352 --> 00:37:02,970
Yeah, is... Is... Has... Is this room...
549
00:37:03,064 --> 00:37:05,519
What's going on?
Where's the person from this room?
550
00:37:05,608 --> 00:37:08,525
This room's vacant.
It's been vacant since this morning.
551
00:37:08,610 --> 00:37:13,568
- What? What are you talking about?
- Well, you do know what "vacant" means?
552
00:37:19,287 --> 00:37:22,074
Dirty tricks! You had to resort to dirty tricks.
553
00:37:22,165 --> 00:37:23,196
Harry?
554
00:37:23,291 --> 00:37:26,209
Linda's gone, Karl.
She's gone because of you,
555
00:37:26,294 --> 00:37:28,370
because of what you told her. You shit!
556
00:37:28,463 --> 00:37:30,669
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't realise
it was supposed to be a secret.
557
00:37:30,757 --> 00:37:31,871
It wasn't a secret.
558
00:37:31,966 --> 00:37:33,591
Just because you haven't told
someone something yet
559
00:37:33,676 --> 00:37:34,957
doesn't make it a secret.
560
00:37:35,053 --> 00:37:37,341
I haven't told her I've been to Portugal.
561
00:37:37,430 --> 00:37:38,544
Is that a secret?
562
00:37:38,639 --> 00:37:40,928
I don't know, did you chop
anyone's head off in Portugal?
563
00:37:41,017 --> 00:37:45,513
You'd better shut your mouth, Karl.
Just shut up and apologise.
564
00:37:45,604 --> 00:37:46,933
Shut up and apologise?
565
00:37:47,022 --> 00:37:50,806
Yes, you dick!
Apologise for telling Linda and
566
00:37:51,944 --> 00:37:56,985
for what you've never apologised for.
The big thing you've never apologised for.
567
00:37:57,074 --> 00:37:59,944
You should thank me for telling her.
You probably never would have managed it.
568
00:38:00,035 --> 00:38:01,826
Oh, right, I see. Okay.
569
00:38:01,912 --> 00:38:04,699
Yeah, that sounds reasonable.
Thank you, Karl. Thank you very much
570
00:38:04,790 --> 00:38:06,367
for having it away with my wife
571
00:38:06,458 --> 00:38:09,412
and scaring off my assistant
and ruining my life.
572
00:38:09,502 --> 00:38:11,329
Okay, here's a thank you present for you.
573
00:38:12,338 --> 00:38:16,965
Urine. How's that?
Lovely warm urine, all over your head.
574
00:38:17,051 --> 00:38:19,459
Harry, look, don't. Just let's talk about this.
575
00:38:19,554 --> 00:38:23,254
The time for talking has ended, Karl.
The time for pissing has begun.
576
00:38:31,315 --> 00:38:33,308
Damn! I can't go now!
577
00:38:33,817 --> 00:38:37,815
You've got away with it!
Once again, you've got away with it all!
578
00:38:48,123 --> 00:38:50,993
So there's no hydrofoil
or super-fast catamaran?
579
00:38:51,084 --> 00:38:52,911
- It's just the plane?
- That's right.
580
00:38:54,045 --> 00:38:57,331
It's just I've got to get to London and back
in four hours for the second round.
581
00:38:57,423 --> 00:38:59,665
- Do you think that's possible?
- No.
582
00:39:01,177 --> 00:39:03,216
Thanks. That's very reassuring.
583
00:39:20,362 --> 00:39:21,821
Are you okay?
584
00:39:22,364 --> 00:39:26,029
No, I'm not okay.
Didn't you see her, the plane woman,
585
00:39:26,118 --> 00:39:30,162
showing us the emergency exits
and the emergency lighting
586
00:39:30,247 --> 00:39:33,995
and the oxygen masks
falling from the ceiling?
587
00:39:34,084 --> 00:39:36,456
Relax. There's really nothing to worry about.
588
00:39:36,544 --> 00:39:37,789
I mean, if they're expecting that,
589
00:39:37,879 --> 00:39:40,631
I really, really feel
they should cancel the flight.
590
00:39:42,133 --> 00:39:44,885
Would you like one of my sweets
for the air pressure?
591
00:39:46,179 --> 00:39:48,218
I chopped my wife's head off.
592
00:39:48,764 --> 00:39:50,804
Right. Really?
593
00:39:50,891 --> 00:39:52,635
I'm sorry, but I did that.
594
00:39:52,727 --> 00:39:54,719
That's just something I did.
And I just want you to know that,
595
00:39:54,812 --> 00:39:57,267
because, if something happens,
596
00:39:57,356 --> 00:40:01,817
well, maybe I sort of deserve it.
597
00:40:03,570 --> 00:40:06,607
Look, I'm sure you don't deserve it.
598
00:40:07,574 --> 00:40:09,567
Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
599
00:40:09,660 --> 00:40:12,577
I'm going to die,
and I'm taking you all with me!
600
00:40:13,955 --> 00:40:17,905
Just here, that's her house.
Thanks for the fast driving by the way.
601
00:40:18,001 --> 00:40:21,167
Although, maybe you should actually
go and check on that dog.
602
00:40:22,755 --> 00:40:26,005
- Will you wait in case she's not in?
- Oh, sure, mate.
603
00:40:27,885 --> 00:40:29,344
Linda, thank God you've called.
604
00:40:29,429 --> 00:40:33,841
I've been trying to get hold of you.
Look, I just wanted to say...
605
00:40:36,394 --> 00:40:40,771
Oh. Oh, right, you've changed rooms.
606
00:40:40,856 --> 00:40:42,932
Sorry. Yeah.
Next door's music was just getting too loud.
607
00:40:43,025 --> 00:40:46,145
Yes, sorry I didn't call,
but my mobile phone was dead.
608
00:40:47,196 --> 00:40:50,611
- Oh. Right.
- Yeah, the billing's out.
609
00:40:50,699 --> 00:40:51,862
Okay, we're third,
610
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:53,859
so in two hours we're going on.
611
00:40:53,952 --> 00:40:56,823
- Do you want to meet backstage now and...
- Well...
612
00:40:56,913 --> 00:41:00,116
Actually, I can't be there straightaway.
613
00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:01,323
You can't?
614
00:41:02,002 --> 00:41:03,626
No, I'm going to
615
00:41:04,796 --> 00:41:06,623
the solarium.
616
00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:12,165
The solarium?
But, Harry, it's the second round.
617
00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:14,799
Linda, I am unshakeable on this. Sorry.
618
00:41:14,889 --> 00:41:16,965
See you after the solarium.
619
00:41:19,602 --> 00:41:23,267
Back to the airport, please,
as fast as you possibly can.
620
00:41:34,574 --> 00:41:40,743
You come across as a very pernickety,
unhelpful sort of man,
621
00:41:40,830 --> 00:41:42,870
but do you think there's any chance at all
622
00:41:42,958 --> 00:41:46,042
that you could, like,
you know, subvert that image
623
00:41:46,127 --> 00:41:49,461
and help us out
by just swapping the act order? That's it.
624
00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:59,171
Could Mr A Smith please let himself
be known to a member of the cabin crew?
625
00:41:59,265 --> 00:42:01,388
We have a message for you.
626
00:42:01,475 --> 00:42:04,097
That's code.
I used to work in a supermarket,
627
00:42:04,186 --> 00:42:06,095
and we played La Cucaracha
if there was a fire.
628
00:42:06,188 --> 00:42:08,596
I'm telling you, that's code.
629
00:42:08,691 --> 00:42:10,517
We're all gonna die.
630
00:42:19,743 --> 00:42:21,652
Thank you!
631
00:42:25,457 --> 00:42:29,122
Is that all you're giving me?
You really are a bunch of hard nuts.
632
00:42:29,711 --> 00:42:31,999
Thank you, Tony White
and his Orbs of Delight...
633
00:42:32,088 --> 00:42:35,457
Don't bother, mate. Unless you can turn
water into wine, this lot aren't interested.
634
00:42:35,550 --> 00:42:41,588
... change to our printed billing.
Yes, after an effing bureaucratic nightmare,
635
00:42:41,681 --> 00:42:45,548
would you please welcome to the stage,
before Harry Kane,
636
00:42:45,643 --> 00:42:49,225
Mr Karl Allen, the Mind Monger.
637
00:42:55,819 --> 00:42:58,986
Hello, people. I have a revelation.
638
00:42:59,948 --> 00:43:04,361
In order to test the human capacity
for being buried up to the neck in sand,
639
00:43:04,453 --> 00:43:08,949
the Mind Monger has been buried
up to the neck in sand.
640
00:43:18,508 --> 00:43:20,666
The Mind Monger is asking for a volunteer
641
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:24,971
to perform the illusion known simply as,
Mr Potato Head.
642
00:43:25,848 --> 00:43:28,090
The Mind Monger will now exactly match
643
00:43:28,184 --> 00:43:32,762
the selection of potato features
chosen by his childlike assistant.
644
00:43:44,408 --> 00:43:45,439
Thank you.
645
00:43:48,954 --> 00:43:49,985
Good.
646
00:43:54,250 --> 00:43:57,915
Now, in yet another moment,
Harry Kane and Linda,
647
00:43:58,004 --> 00:44:02,915
but first up,
it's All The Fun Of The Hair with Dietmar.
648
00:44:09,307 --> 00:44:11,465
Local bylaws require me to warn you
649
00:44:11,559 --> 00:44:15,639
that the climax of this routine
does feature a trouser drop.
650
00:44:15,729 --> 00:44:19,264
But the items revealed,
no matter how realistic they may appear,
651
00:44:19,358 --> 00:44:22,976
are not his actual penis or scrotum.
Thank you.
652
00:44:25,864 --> 00:44:27,109
Sorry.
653
00:44:36,416 --> 00:44:37,791
Linda, I'm so sorry.
654
00:44:37,876 --> 00:44:40,367
- Oh, Harry, we're on in, like, one second.
- Are you okay?
655
00:44:40,461 --> 00:44:42,288
Yeah. What the hell were you doing
at that solarium?
656
00:44:42,380 --> 00:44:44,538
You've been, like, three hours.
Is that even safe?
657
00:44:44,632 --> 00:44:47,253
Yeah, well, it's a tradition of mine.
Gives me that extra edge.
658
00:44:47,343 --> 00:44:49,501
If it works for Copperfield...
659
00:44:54,183 --> 00:44:59,177
And now, at long last,
Harry Kane and Linda.
660
00:45:04,818 --> 00:45:06,443
That was quite a feat, wasn't it?
661
00:45:06,528 --> 00:45:10,063
I mean, apart from the 7UP and the nachos,
I really was living off my brain.
662
00:45:10,157 --> 00:45:11,188
Yeah. Yeah.
663
00:45:11,283 --> 00:45:14,616
Listen, now, I want to talk about
the Fast Frame Productions meet,
664
00:45:14,703 --> 00:45:15,865
about the code word.
665
00:45:15,954 --> 00:45:18,361
If you say anything
that undermines my negotiating power,
666
00:45:18,456 --> 00:45:21,126
I'm going to drop in the code word
and you're going to back off.
667
00:45:21,209 --> 00:45:24,079
- Okay, so what's the code word?
- Courteney Cox.
668
00:45:24,170 --> 00:45:25,878
It's the best code word.
I've used it a hundred times.
669
00:45:25,964 --> 00:45:27,541
- It's totally normal.
- Okay.
670
00:45:30,134 --> 00:45:33,005
Yeah, and listen, about before,
671
00:45:33,095 --> 00:45:35,337
just wanted to say,
you know, I'm sorry about all that.
672
00:45:35,431 --> 00:45:38,218
Oh, it's fine, mate.
I mean, you know, if you're gay, that's fine.
673
00:45:38,309 --> 00:45:41,725
Gay? What? What do you mean, gay?
It's not the '80s.
674
00:45:41,812 --> 00:45:42,891
Right.
675
00:45:43,314 --> 00:45:44,642
Look, I'm...
676
00:45:44,732 --> 00:45:46,558
Remember when we went to Alton Towers?
677
00:45:46,650 --> 00:45:49,686
We went on the Liquidiser.
You got scared. You grabbed my arm.
678
00:45:49,778 --> 00:45:51,771
That was fun, wasn't it?
A hell of a lot of fun.
679
00:45:51,863 --> 00:45:53,441
Yeah. Yeah, that was fun.
680
00:45:53,532 --> 00:45:56,486
Right, so let's just keep having fun.
That's all I'm saying.
681
00:45:57,160 --> 00:45:58,619
Sure. Yeah, fine.
682
00:46:00,455 --> 00:46:05,331
So, remember, if it's all going tits up,
I'll drop in the code word, Courteney Cox.
683
00:46:19,932 --> 00:46:21,759
Well, that wasn't a complete disaster.
684
00:46:21,851 --> 00:46:24,342
We might want to think
about a more exciting theme for the final.
685
00:46:24,436 --> 00:46:26,974
Right. I'm actually working on an idea.
Leave it to me.
686
00:46:27,064 --> 00:46:28,523
I mean, if we qualify.
687
00:46:28,607 --> 00:46:31,691
You know the tan's actually
gone to your collar, Harry?
688
00:46:31,777 --> 00:46:36,355
What? That's not possible.
689
00:46:36,448 --> 00:46:39,283
Harry, just tell me the truth.
Where did you go?
690
00:46:40,619 --> 00:46:44,367
All right. The thing is...
691
00:46:44,914 --> 00:46:47,999
Look, it was complicated.
692
00:46:49,085 --> 00:46:53,747
When I saw your room was empty,
I went to your house.
693
00:46:53,840 --> 00:46:57,540
I thought what Karl said to you
last night might have...
694
00:46:58,803 --> 00:47:00,676
- You flew to London?
- Yes.
695
00:47:00,763 --> 00:47:06,267
I mean, don't you mind that I chopped
my wife's head off and didn't tell you?
696
00:47:06,352 --> 00:47:08,973
Harry, I'm a glass-half-full kind of person,
you know.
697
00:47:09,063 --> 00:47:10,806
If you hadn't chopped your wife's head off,
698
00:47:10,898 --> 00:47:12,558
we wouldn't be here doing this.
699
00:47:12,649 --> 00:47:15,271
- Plus, lightning doesn't strike twice.
- Quite.
700
00:47:15,360 --> 00:47:18,231
I mean, technically it can, but it won't.
701
00:47:18,322 --> 00:47:21,904
I mean, I'd be more worried
if I was doing a guillotine trick
702
00:47:21,992 --> 00:47:24,447
with someone who hadn't
chopped his wife's head off.
703
00:47:24,536 --> 00:47:26,113
Exactly.
704
00:47:28,373 --> 00:47:32,584
So you conquered your fear of flying
just to come and find me?
705
00:47:34,295 --> 00:47:36,288
Well, yes.
706
00:47:37,256 --> 00:47:38,715
That's pretty romantic.
707
00:47:39,425 --> 00:47:43,043
It's just the competition.
I really want to win the competition.
708
00:47:43,137 --> 00:47:44,715
Come on.
709
00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:49,262
- Linda...
- It's okay, Harry.
710
00:47:50,477 --> 00:47:54,475
We can both feel it.
You like me and I like you.
711
00:47:54,565 --> 00:47:55,975
It's out there.
712
00:47:56,859 --> 00:48:01,935
- No.
- Come on, Harry, cut the bullshit.
713
00:48:02,030 --> 00:48:05,233
You're this close to kissing me.
714
00:48:06,118 --> 00:48:08,443
No. I'm not.
715
00:48:23,134 --> 00:48:24,414
Oh, fuck!
716
00:48:25,177 --> 00:48:27,051
On behalf of Fast Frame Productions,
717
00:48:27,138 --> 00:48:30,388
I want to say
it's very good to meet you both.
718
00:48:30,474 --> 00:48:32,763
This is an exciting project.
719
00:48:32,852 --> 00:48:36,055
Very exciting, because, you know...
720
00:48:36,146 --> 00:48:38,353
We want to shake off the whole Doris Stokes
721
00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:40,480
tea leaves and twin sets image of a medium.
722
00:48:40,567 --> 00:48:42,359
- Exactly.
- A medium?
723
00:48:42,444 --> 00:48:44,353
Yeah. Don't worry, Karl.
You're in the right meeting.
724
00:48:44,446 --> 00:48:47,981
We were thinking, and I don't really
like this idea, but it might be popular,
725
00:48:48,075 --> 00:48:53,531
that you could talk to murder victims
and get them to say who murdered them.
726
00:48:53,622 --> 00:48:56,622
Or we could do a brainy-style show,
727
00:48:56,708 --> 00:48:59,874
with dead people, like
Mozart or Sherlock Holmes,
728
00:48:59,961 --> 00:49:02,666
reviewing that week's TV through you.
729
00:49:04,132 --> 00:49:05,542
Right. That's interesting.
730
00:49:05,633 --> 00:49:11,137
I just wonder how do you feel
that someone like, maybe Courteney Cox,
731
00:49:11,222 --> 00:49:14,009
would feel about
doing a medium show like that?
732
00:49:16,810 --> 00:49:18,637
Good question. Richard?
733
00:49:18,729 --> 00:49:20,971
- Courteney Cox?
- I think she'd love it.
734
00:49:21,065 --> 00:49:24,350
So we're basically talking 15-minute slots
in half-hour shows?
735
00:49:24,443 --> 00:49:27,360
Yeah. The other half
will be a spiritual healer,
736
00:49:27,446 --> 00:49:31,230
where the blind andlor sick
place one hand on the screen
737
00:49:31,324 --> 00:49:32,356
and with the other navigate
738
00:49:32,450 --> 00:49:34,657
through the interactive guide
to a payment system.
739
00:49:34,744 --> 00:49:37,414
- lf it ever works, which I doubt it will.
- That's cool.
740
00:49:37,497 --> 00:49:39,573
Right. But, I mean, do you think, Otto,
741
00:49:39,666 --> 00:49:42,951
that Courteney Cox out of Friends
would be into something like that?
742
00:49:43,044 --> 00:49:45,582
Yeah, I think she would. So, contracts?
743
00:49:45,672 --> 00:49:48,459
Sure, but would she really, though?
Courteney Cox?
744
00:49:48,549 --> 00:49:51,669
- I'm sorry. He's obsessed with Friends.
- Right.
745
00:49:51,761 --> 00:49:55,177
So, Karl will be doing this new medium act
if he makes it to the final?
746
00:49:55,264 --> 00:49:56,592
- Is that right?
- Yes.
747
00:49:56,682 --> 00:49:57,713
Courteney Cox!
748
00:49:57,808 --> 00:50:01,640
Great. Then everyone back at head office
will get a chance to see it on TV,
749
00:50:01,729 --> 00:50:04,220
and if all goes well,
we can sign the deal right here.
750
00:50:04,314 --> 00:50:05,857
- Great.
- Courteney Cox, Courteney Cox.
751
00:50:05,941 --> 00:50:07,684
- Courteney Cox!
- Excellent.
752
00:50:14,116 --> 00:50:17,484
A TV show? That's brilliant!
753
00:50:17,577 --> 00:50:20,033
- Yeah, but I'm not really sure about it.
- Why?
754
00:50:20,121 --> 00:50:23,786
Well, you know, it's medium stuff.
You know, contacting the dead.
755
00:50:23,875 --> 00:50:25,369
Oh, right. Wow.
756
00:50:25,835 --> 00:50:27,163
Is that draining?
757
00:50:28,254 --> 00:50:30,247
Yeah. Yeah, I guess.
758
00:50:30,339 --> 00:50:31,584
Plus, you know, I mean,
759
00:50:31,674 --> 00:50:33,501
magic has traditions,
sort of codes of conduct.
760
00:50:33,593 --> 00:50:35,669
There are some things you don't do,
761
00:50:35,761 --> 00:50:37,588
but then, getting on TV is hard.
762
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:40,253
You can't just ring up and
say you're going to fill in for Jamie Oliver.
763
00:50:40,349 --> 00:50:42,342
Yeah, but anyone can just make a sandwich
764
00:50:42,434 --> 00:50:44,890
and go on and on about it.
765
00:50:44,979 --> 00:50:46,686
You can contact the dead.
766
00:50:47,815 --> 00:50:50,519
Yeah. Yep.
767
00:50:51,985 --> 00:50:54,856
Karl, you know I feel really close to you.
768
00:50:55,072 --> 00:50:56,103
Yeah.
769
00:50:56,198 --> 00:50:59,780
And I'm really looking forward to tonight.
770
00:51:00,994 --> 00:51:03,615
But I was just thinking, just now,
771
00:51:03,705 --> 00:51:05,947
do you think maybe
you could contact someone for me?
772
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:09,540
Contact someone? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I don't think so, Dani.
773
00:51:09,627 --> 00:51:12,035
It's just, you know, my dad. I just...
774
00:51:12,130 --> 00:51:17,468
I really, really miss him
and sometimes, I wish... I just wish...
775
00:51:17,552 --> 00:51:20,505
There are just so many things
I didn't get to say to him.
776
00:51:20,596 --> 00:51:23,301
I really can't. I mean, I don't...
777
00:51:23,390 --> 00:51:25,549
No, no. Sure.
Sure, if you can't or won't, that's...
778
00:51:25,643 --> 00:51:29,308
No, I mean, it's not like that.
It's just, you know, I...
779
00:51:29,396 --> 00:51:31,852
Okay, well... Okay, maybe I could... I'll just...
780
00:51:31,940 --> 00:51:35,274
Hold on.
Yeah, I'll just see if there's anything...
781
00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:36,902
Yeah, okay.
782
00:51:38,321 --> 00:51:41,821
Oh, all right. Yeah, I'll tell her.
783
00:51:41,908 --> 00:51:43,865
Okay, so here's the thing.
784
00:51:44,911 --> 00:51:46,654
He's not available right now.
785
00:51:47,330 --> 00:51:52,407
I've been told the ectoplasm, it's too thick,
786
00:51:52,502 --> 00:51:54,578
so, I mean,
there's just no way through right now.
787
00:51:54,671 --> 00:51:57,790
That was an actual message
from the other side?
788
00:51:57,882 --> 00:51:58,961
Yes.
789
00:52:02,136 --> 00:52:06,383
You actually got through to the other side
in front of my very eyes?
790
00:52:07,808 --> 00:52:11,307
That is amazing!
791
00:52:11,395 --> 00:52:12,972
Yeah. Yeah.
792
00:52:13,063 --> 00:52:17,310
I mean, it's just an administrative call really,
but, yeah. Yeah, I did.
793
00:52:20,987 --> 00:52:22,897
I've told you once,
I don't want to tell you again,
794
00:52:22,989 --> 00:52:25,231
so, fuck you, yeah? Fuck you.
795
00:52:25,325 --> 00:52:27,614
He's not going through
because he didn't get enough votes,
796
00:52:27,702 --> 00:52:29,576
and no, you can't count them yourself,
797
00:52:29,662 --> 00:52:33,245
because they've been shredded, okay?
This isn't Sweden here, Lenny.
798
00:52:33,333 --> 00:52:36,369
This is North Korea. This is Syria. Get it?
799
00:52:43,509 --> 00:52:49,298
Okay! So, welcome to
all our second-round contestants.
800
00:52:49,390 --> 00:52:52,141
In here are the names of the finalists.
801
00:52:52,226 --> 00:52:56,555
Can I just say if, when you hear them,
you find yourselves raising your eyebrows,
802
00:52:56,647 --> 00:52:59,932
just remember, it's going out
on the Home Space Channel,
803
00:53:00,025 --> 00:53:07,023
and it wouldn't fit with their demographic
if all the magicians were men, apparently.
804
00:53:07,115 --> 00:53:11,327
So, naming no names,
but some people have been very lucky.
805
00:53:12,037 --> 00:53:16,200
So, the finalists for the Shield are...
806
00:53:18,501 --> 00:53:19,664
Greg Davis.
807
00:53:22,463 --> 00:53:25,749
Dietmar's World of Wigs.
808
00:53:25,841 --> 00:53:27,336
Magibot.
809
00:53:28,970 --> 00:53:30,761
The Remarkable Carringtons.
810
00:53:31,889 --> 00:53:34,012
Mandy Pandy.
811
00:53:35,017 --> 00:53:37,472
Karl Allen, Mind Monger.
812
00:53:40,606 --> 00:53:46,442
Last, and in some senses,
i.e. the number of votes cast, least,
813
00:53:46,528 --> 00:53:48,485
Tony White's Orbs of Delight.
814
00:53:48,572 --> 00:53:50,648
Just warming up, my friends,
just warming up.
815
00:53:51,741 --> 00:53:55,276
Oh, and of course, the latecomers,
816
00:53:56,204 --> 00:53:57,782
Harry Kane and Linda.
817
00:54:00,166 --> 00:54:03,784
Linda, obviously, is a woman,
but apparently that doesn't count
818
00:54:03,878 --> 00:54:07,294
because she is an assistant.
You literally could not make it up.
819
00:54:10,384 --> 00:54:12,341
Okay, everyone. Big smiles.
820
00:54:12,428 --> 00:54:14,586
So, Karlos, what's your routine for the final?
821
00:54:16,849 --> 00:54:18,094
Actually, I can't say.
822
00:54:18,183 --> 00:54:21,303
Oh, come on, mate, nobody's going to be
vanishing a car ferry. What are you doing?
823
00:54:22,020 --> 00:54:24,428
Well, you know, I mean, this whole thing's
a crock of crap, obviously,
824
00:54:24,523 --> 00:54:26,480
so I just thought I'd,
you know, freak everyone out,
825
00:54:26,567 --> 00:54:29,935
do something a bit different,
a bit of medium stuff.
826
00:54:30,737 --> 00:54:32,943
Medium? You're going to do psychic?
827
00:54:33,031 --> 00:54:34,573
It'll be with a very modern twist.
828
00:54:34,658 --> 00:54:36,033
Oh, my God!
829
00:54:38,036 --> 00:54:39,578
Okay, big smiles, everyone.
830
00:54:40,413 --> 00:54:43,414
Look, what exactly is so great
about being able to pretend
831
00:54:43,499 --> 00:54:45,622
that you can produce
endless flags out of a hat?
832
00:54:45,710 --> 00:54:47,038
Isn't it actually a lot better
833
00:54:47,128 --> 00:54:49,915
to be able to bring someone a message
of hope from the other side?
834
00:54:50,006 --> 00:54:51,832
No, sure, and it's just right for you.
835
00:54:51,924 --> 00:54:54,546
It's phoney, it's manipulative, it's dishonest.
836
00:54:54,635 --> 00:54:57,671
Actually, could we just bring the assistants
forward a bit?
837
00:54:58,347 --> 00:55:00,304
Listen, Harry, just because
you've never experienced
838
00:55:00,391 --> 00:55:03,142
anything more amazing
than a packet of McCain Micro Chips,
839
00:55:03,227 --> 00:55:06,430
doesn't necessarily mean
it doesn't exist, okay?
840
00:55:06,522 --> 00:55:10,733
Oh, great, and tell us, Karl,
what do you see on the other side
841
00:55:10,817 --> 00:55:13,735
from your big supernatural umpire's chair?
842
00:55:13,820 --> 00:55:15,896
Every single person who's ever died?
843
00:55:15,989 --> 00:55:19,903
Plato and millions and millions
of Chinese peasants and Bob Hope?
844
00:55:20,910 --> 00:55:22,405
I tell you what I can see.
845
00:55:22,495 --> 00:55:26,908
I can see Carol, your wife,
with her head cut off,
846
00:55:26,100 --> 00:55:29,704
and the head is on the floor, crying.
847
00:55:32,505 --> 00:55:34,497
Let's magic up
some big smiles.
848
00:55:40,096 --> 00:55:42,551
Well, he's late, isn't he? He is late.
849
00:55:42,640 --> 00:55:45,427
So, you managed to get rid of,
what's her name, the nutter?
850
00:55:45,517 --> 00:55:48,637
Otto, you know what her name is,
and I'm sorry, but I really, really like her.
851
00:55:48,729 --> 00:55:49,927
Bollocks!
852
00:55:50,022 --> 00:55:52,809
You haven't even slept with her yet,
have you? You haven't, have you?
853
00:55:52,900 --> 00:55:54,857
No, but I'm really looking forward to it.
854
00:55:54,943 --> 00:55:58,893
You are not looking forward to it.
You're scared out of your wits.
855
00:55:58,989 --> 00:56:00,399
I know you, Karl.
856
00:56:00,490 --> 00:56:02,530
You haven't been able to get it up
for four years,
857
00:56:02,617 --> 00:56:05,238
and your last lay was a total disaster.
858
00:56:05,328 --> 00:56:06,609
No, it wasn't.
859
00:56:06,704 --> 00:56:10,323
As a result, your career ended and
your best friend's wife died.
860
00:56:10,416 --> 00:56:11,614
That was a good lay, was it?
861
00:56:11,709 --> 00:56:13,287
Yeah, but that was just a one-off, wasn't it?
862
00:56:13,378 --> 00:56:16,414
Exactly, a one-off, an aberration.
863
00:56:17,507 --> 00:56:20,507
We've all taken a wrong turn
and ended up somewhere weird.
864
00:56:20,885 --> 00:56:22,083
Like a vagina.
865
00:56:22,178 --> 00:56:24,633
Otto, I am not gay.
866
00:56:24,722 --> 00:56:27,010
Honestly, though, mate,
what are you going to do
867
00:56:27,099 --> 00:56:29,720
when the knickers come off
and it comes at you, eh?
868
00:56:30,185 --> 00:56:33,352
With its great hairy flaps
all flapping and flying, eh?
869
00:56:33,438 --> 00:56:37,057
What are you going to do?
You haven't got the faintest idea, have you?
870
00:56:41,488 --> 00:56:45,984
Okay, first off, I object to the term "stooge".
871
00:56:46,076 --> 00:56:48,827
Oh, look at the stooge.
Let's laugh at the stooge.
872
00:56:48,912 --> 00:56:53,075
Let's make the stooge fight the goon
for our entertainment. No.
873
00:56:53,875 --> 00:56:55,784
I'm sorry. I am an assistant magician.
874
00:56:55,877 --> 00:56:59,577
Sure, but just to clarify,
we're paying the stooge rate, yeah?
875
00:57:00,173 --> 00:57:01,335
That's fair enough.
876
00:57:01,966 --> 00:57:04,373
So, a lot of people are like,
"Well, what's a stooge do?"
877
00:57:04,468 --> 00:57:05,631
"Just acts normal."
878
00:57:05,720 --> 00:57:08,293
Well, yeah, normal is very hard.
879
00:57:08,389 --> 00:57:09,931
I like to give it some of this.
880
00:57:14,186 --> 00:57:15,431
Who, me?
881
00:57:16,855 --> 00:57:18,018
See?
882
00:57:18,482 --> 00:57:21,566
I ain't doing much but a touch.
Because some stooges, they're like,
883
00:57:21,651 --> 00:57:24,901
"Who, me? I can't believe it!"
884
00:57:24,988 --> 00:57:31,109
No. I like to keep it real,
but then, you see, I give it the trip.
885
00:57:31,202 --> 00:57:32,661
Just a tiny little stumble.
886
00:57:35,123 --> 00:57:38,124
Nothing OTT, just a very nice little...
887
00:57:39,293 --> 00:57:40,373
Did you catch that?
888
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:44,620
You see, that's my trademark. That is acting.
889
00:57:44,715 --> 00:57:49,626
Hamlet is a piece of piss
if you can master the trip.
890
00:58:00,397 --> 00:58:02,140
What's wrong?
891
00:58:02,232 --> 00:58:05,103
It's just, what I thought
we were about to do,
892
00:58:05,193 --> 00:58:06,818
although I don't want to
jump to any conclusions.
893
00:58:06,903 --> 00:58:09,110
You're nervous about the final, aren't you?
894
00:58:10,282 --> 00:58:11,776
If you want, we could do some rehearsal.
895
00:58:13,118 --> 00:58:15,822
Why don't you project a thought
into my mind, and I'll try and receive it?
896
00:58:15,912 --> 00:58:17,371
- Dani...
- Is it a squirrel?
897
00:58:17,455 --> 00:58:18,570
No, I'm not...
898
00:58:18,665 --> 00:58:21,701
It's a hexagon.
A squirrel trapped in a hexagon.
899
00:58:21,793 --> 00:58:26,419
No, no, no. I don't want to practise.
I want to do what we were going to do.
900
00:58:26,506 --> 00:58:29,506
It's just... I've not exactly had...
901
00:58:29,592 --> 00:58:31,584
I haven't done it for... Much...
902
00:58:31,677 --> 00:58:38,130
For quite a long while, and the last time,
it didn't go very well.
903
00:58:38,225 --> 00:58:40,383
Oh, why? What happened?
904
00:58:40,477 --> 00:58:46,266
Well, there were issues.
You know, male issues. I couldn't...
905
00:58:48,235 --> 00:58:50,642
- Put your gloves on?
- No.
906
00:58:50,737 --> 00:58:55,363
I couldn't rise to the occasion.
907
00:58:55,450 --> 00:58:58,404
Oh, poor you!
908
00:58:58,495 --> 00:59:01,698
You don't have to worry about that.
It's okay. Really, it's okay.
909
00:59:01,789 --> 00:59:06,332
Oh, well,
it's quite a relief to hear you say that,
910
00:59:06,419 --> 00:59:08,127
because the last person I was with,
911
00:59:08,212 --> 00:59:11,663
she was very much
of the opinion that it wasn't okay.
912
00:59:11,757 --> 00:59:14,379
Those were her exact word words, in fact.
913
00:59:14,468 --> 00:59:15,927
"This is not okay.
914
00:59:16,554 --> 00:59:18,261
"This is not okay, Karl."
915
00:59:21,100 --> 00:59:22,380
Oh, that's horrible.
916
00:59:24,937 --> 00:59:30,311
I think if we get the new theme right,
then it's between us,
917
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:33,603
Karl, the Remarkable Carringtons
and Greg Davis.
918
00:59:33,695 --> 00:59:36,731
And Greg's always going to
have the charges hanging over him.
919
00:59:36,823 --> 00:59:39,990
Unfounded, of course,
but no one remembers that, do they?
920
00:59:57,301 --> 00:59:59,128
Cut the bullshit, Linda.
921
00:59:59,595 --> 01:00:01,801
You're this close to kissing me.
922
01:00:03,390 --> 01:00:05,679
Let's cut the bullshit, Linda,
923
01:00:05,768 --> 01:00:08,852
and just have a massive, great big screw.
924
01:00:09,855 --> 01:00:12,097
- What's this, Harry?
- What?
925
01:00:12,190 --> 01:00:14,432
This list in your trouser pocket.
926
01:00:17,571 --> 01:00:18,650
"Linda,
927
01:00:20,115 --> 01:00:22,024
"pros and cons."
928
01:00:22,117 --> 01:00:23,611
That's actually private.
929
01:00:23,701 --> 01:00:25,908
I'd rather you didn't read
from my private journals.
930
01:00:25,995 --> 01:00:28,071
"Cons, the dance."
931
01:00:28,164 --> 01:00:30,489
- So you didn't like my dance?
- I did.
932
01:00:30,583 --> 01:00:33,454
- Then why is it on the bloody cons?
- It's...
933
01:00:33,544 --> 01:00:36,214
"Bum." Oh, thanks. Thank you. Thanks a lot.
934
01:00:36,297 --> 01:00:40,045
There are pros. Look at the pros.
Bum is in pros and cons.
935
01:00:40,134 --> 01:00:41,758
What does that mean? What?
It's big, but you like it?
936
01:00:41,844 --> 01:00:43,920
Well, what about your great, big, fat arse?
937
01:00:44,013 --> 01:00:45,721
Linda, let's not get personal.
938
01:00:45,806 --> 01:00:47,514
"Unstablelmental."
939
01:00:47,599 --> 01:00:50,055
Look at the pros!
You're focusing on the cons.
940
01:00:51,311 --> 01:00:53,055
"Enjoys Thai food."
941
01:00:53,146 --> 01:00:55,519
What is wrong with liking Thai food?
942
01:00:55,607 --> 01:00:58,893
I just think it's samey.
But that's a very minor concern.
943
01:00:58,985 --> 01:01:00,978
That's right at the bottom, Linda.
944
01:01:01,071 --> 01:01:02,814
You are a complete weirdo.
945
01:01:03,698 --> 01:01:06,865
What kind of a robot writes a list?
946
01:01:06,951 --> 01:01:08,861
Do you want to hear my list?
947
01:01:08,953 --> 01:01:12,287
You are an emotionally retarded coward.
948
01:01:12,373 --> 01:01:14,449
Yeah, with a Hitler haircut.
949
01:01:16,752 --> 01:01:18,911
You can't just ignore the pros!
950
01:01:19,839 --> 01:01:20,918
Linda!
951
01:01:26,345 --> 01:01:29,761
Oh, yes, Dani, it's working! It's a stayer.
952
01:01:29,848 --> 01:01:33,976
Great! But, Karl, just before we, you know,
953
01:01:34,061 --> 01:01:36,219
there's something I was wondering
if you'd do for me.
954
01:01:36,313 --> 01:01:37,641
Of course. Anything.
955
01:01:37,731 --> 01:01:39,724
Because I really want to be, you know,
in the moment,
956
01:01:39,816 --> 01:01:43,185
but I just can't stop thinking about my dad,
so I was wondering,
957
01:01:43,278 --> 01:01:45,069
maybe you could try again?
958
01:01:45,864 --> 01:01:47,441
Contact your dad?
959
01:01:48,241 --> 01:01:50,779
- Now?
- Yeah.
960
01:01:51,870 --> 01:01:55,488
Because I've been thinking about
doing a course, retraining,
961
01:01:55,581 --> 01:01:58,915
and I can't decide whether to go
for accountancy or media studies.
962
01:01:59,418 --> 01:02:01,660
Can you ask him what he thinks?
963
01:02:01,754 --> 01:02:03,545
Sure. Yeah, let's have a...
964
01:02:05,466 --> 01:02:06,960
Well, he's there.
965
01:02:07,051 --> 01:02:12,045
And there's a message coming through,
and the message is,
966
01:02:13,349 --> 01:02:14,724
"Follow your heart."
967
01:02:16,477 --> 01:02:20,723
Mention one has more flexibility,
the other offers more long-term security.
968
01:02:20,814 --> 01:02:21,893
Okay.
969
01:02:23,025 --> 01:02:25,942
Thanks. Accounting.
He says definitely accounting.
970
01:02:26,027 --> 01:02:29,692
Right. Got to follow in Daddy's footsteps.
971
01:02:30,323 --> 01:02:31,865
Just what I expected.
972
01:02:32,992 --> 01:02:34,107
Actually... Actually, while he's there,
973
01:02:34,202 --> 01:02:36,693
can you just ask him
what he thinks about you?
974
01:02:36,788 --> 01:02:37,950
I'm sorry?
975
01:02:38,289 --> 01:02:44,161
I always took boyfriends home to meet Dad
before we, you know, got serious.
976
01:02:44,253 --> 01:02:47,752
Oh. Well, I'll just check.
977
01:02:49,091 --> 01:02:50,170
Thank you.
978
01:02:50,259 --> 01:02:55,135
He says, "Karl's a good guy. Trust Karl."
979
01:02:55,222 --> 01:02:57,262
Really? He said that?
980
01:02:57,349 --> 01:03:00,967
"He's a very respectable young man."
Those were his exact words.
981
01:03:01,061 --> 01:03:02,721
Really?
That kind of doesn't sound like him...
982
01:03:02,813 --> 01:03:05,304
Look, basically he likes me.
I mean, that's the thrust of it.
983
01:03:05,399 --> 01:03:07,806
He thinks I'm a great guy
and we should just get down to it.
984
01:03:07,901 --> 01:03:10,059
He said we should get down to it?
985
01:03:10,862 --> 01:03:13,898
God! That is so weird.
986
01:03:15,533 --> 01:03:16,696
He sounds drunk.
987
01:03:19,787 --> 01:03:21,697
Oh, God. He's started drinking again.
988
01:03:25,418 --> 01:03:29,961
Listen, Dani, your dad, he's not drinking,
989
01:03:30,047 --> 01:03:34,424
and he didn't tell me
that you should study accountancy.
990
01:03:34,510 --> 01:03:37,511
- He thinks I should do media studies?
- No, he...
991
01:03:37,596 --> 01:03:40,680
The truth is, he didn't tell me anything.
992
01:03:40,766 --> 01:03:42,046
What?
993
01:03:42,142 --> 01:03:43,886
I'm not a medium, Dani.
994
01:03:43,977 --> 01:03:47,809
I've never talked to your dad,
and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
995
01:03:48,523 --> 01:03:49,804
What?
996
01:03:50,484 --> 01:03:52,108
So you just
997
01:03:53,737 --> 01:03:55,195
lie?
998
01:03:55,280 --> 01:03:59,277
Not lie exactly. It's more magic.
999
01:03:59,367 --> 01:04:03,281
You know, there are certain techniques.
It's... It's meant to be fun.
1000
01:04:03,371 --> 01:04:06,123
Yeah, right, fun! Is this fun?
1001
01:04:06,207 --> 01:04:08,449
- Look, I didn't mean to trick you, Dani.
- Get out, Karl!
1002
01:04:08,543 --> 01:04:10,619
Just get out, you fucking liar!
1003
01:04:27,436 --> 01:04:28,681
Oh, yes.
1004
01:04:28,979 --> 01:04:31,221
It's not what it looks like, Otto.
I'm locked out of my room.
1005
01:04:31,314 --> 01:04:35,015
Sure. Sure, you are.
I'll play your little game, Karl.
1006
01:05:49,473 --> 01:05:53,056
please welcome the chairman of the judges,
1007
01:05:53,143 --> 01:05:55,812
Magic Table Shieldist of 1985,
1008
01:05:55,896 --> 01:05:57,307
and the man we have to thank
1009
01:05:57,397 --> 01:06:01,098
for all the months of very hard work
that go into the competition,
1010
01:06:01,193 --> 01:06:03,814
Mr Michael Francis!
1011
01:06:08,533 --> 01:06:11,866
Thank you. Thank you.
1012
01:06:11,953 --> 01:06:13,744
So, here we are again.
1013
01:06:13,830 --> 01:06:16,866
Without further ado,
let's meet our first contender
1014
01:06:16,958 --> 01:06:19,449
for the ultimate magic accolade.
1015
01:06:19,544 --> 01:06:22,414
He's been the future of magic
for nigh on 20 years,
1016
01:06:22,505 --> 01:06:25,790
direct from the US of A, yes, it's Magibot.
1017
01:06:31,013 --> 01:06:34,049
Curtain. It's your stage, the Monger.
1018
01:06:34,266 --> 01:06:35,345
- "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen..."
- Yeah.
1019
01:06:35,434 --> 01:06:38,103
I don't know if you've seen Dani
in the audience, have you?
1020
01:06:38,186 --> 01:06:40,974
- I mean, I reserved her a seat, but I...
- Karl! Karl...
1021
01:06:41,064 --> 01:06:43,223
Okay, just listen to me.
1022
01:06:43,316 --> 01:06:46,483
You have to focus, okay?
1023
01:06:46,570 --> 01:06:48,443
Forget about Dani and focus.
1024
01:06:48,530 --> 01:06:50,072
No, sure. Focus, yeah.
1025
01:06:50,156 --> 01:06:52,730
Yeah. That is the important thing, all right?
1026
01:06:52,826 --> 01:06:56,360
Focus, focus, focus.
1027
01:06:56,454 --> 01:06:59,538
I love you. Focus. Focus.
1028
01:06:59,624 --> 01:07:04,250
Yeah. I'm just going to go and
focus over there for a bit, if that's cool.
1029
01:07:06,088 --> 01:07:08,710
make your way to the stage, please.
1030
01:07:08,799 --> 01:07:11,835
All right, Harry. Nice to see you
getting ahead in the business again.
1031
01:07:11,927 --> 01:07:13,552
Heady days, eh? Heady days.
1032
01:07:13,637 --> 01:07:18,797
Oh, right, a bit of pre-match sledging,
Tony, you big crap magician.
1033
01:07:19,518 --> 01:07:22,009
Oh, ouch, that hurts. Hey, I'm happy for you.
1034
01:07:22,104 --> 01:07:24,345
You've got that
gorgeous new assistant, yeah.
1035
01:07:25,065 --> 01:07:26,939
Sucks a wand real nice.
1036
01:07:27,025 --> 01:07:28,685
What? What are you...
1037
01:07:28,777 --> 01:07:31,731
Oh, we bumped into each other
first night in the dealer's hall.
1038
01:07:31,821 --> 01:07:34,858
Hit the bar,
then up to my room, fully loaded.
1039
01:07:35,450 --> 01:07:37,074
Loads of jizz.
1040
01:07:44,041 --> 01:07:46,959
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Tony White.
1041
01:07:51,924 --> 01:07:53,548
Good evening, Jersey!
1042
01:07:55,052 --> 01:07:57,673
Is that it? Bloody hell.
1043
01:07:57,763 --> 01:08:00,052
You gave the Nazis
a warmer welcome than that.
1044
01:08:03,060 --> 01:08:05,183
It's a joke. Right.
1045
01:08:06,813 --> 01:08:08,889
Hey, Linda, listen.
I wanted to ask you a question.
1046
01:08:08,982 --> 01:08:11,769
Look, Harry, if it's about the new theme,
relax, okay?
1047
01:08:11,860 --> 01:08:14,529
It's not in bad taste, it's just edgy.
There's a big difference.
1048
01:08:14,612 --> 01:08:16,486
Did you sleep with Tony White?
1049
01:08:17,490 --> 01:08:19,032
- What?
- He told me just now.
1050
01:08:19,117 --> 01:08:21,904
Everything. But I wanted to hear it from you.
1051
01:08:22,203 --> 01:08:24,243
Tell me, Linda. I've a right to know.
1052
01:08:24,789 --> 01:08:28,288
Why? You don't have feelings for me.
1053
01:08:28,376 --> 01:08:30,452
- Well, no.
- Exactly.
1054
01:08:31,003 --> 01:08:32,462
So, did you?
1055
01:08:32,546 --> 01:08:35,333
Well, yes, if you actually want to know,
I did.
1056
01:08:35,424 --> 01:08:40,002
- But, why?
- Because he was there.
1057
01:08:40,095 --> 01:08:43,049
- You know, we're not going out, are we?
- No, obviously. Not at all.
1058
01:08:43,140 --> 01:08:44,599
Right, so just because I'm a woman,
1059
01:08:44,683 --> 01:08:48,052
it doesn't mean I can't enjoy
a meaningless fuck now and again.
1060
01:08:48,145 --> 01:08:49,224
Yes, of course.
1061
01:08:49,312 --> 01:08:52,764
And you don't mind me,
you know, humping him raw.
1062
01:08:52,858 --> 01:08:57,104
- Why would I mind?
- Or having a chug on his big man cock.
1063
01:08:57,195 --> 01:09:00,646
No. In fact, happy chugging.
1064
01:09:03,618 --> 01:09:04,993
See you on stage.
1065
01:09:17,047 --> 01:09:20,712
And after the Rings of Married Bondage,
I bring you
1066
01:09:20,801 --> 01:09:22,758
the Flowers of Love.
1067
01:09:22,845 --> 01:09:29,381
And much like human love, one minute
it's there, but by morning, 'tis gone.
1068
01:09:29,476 --> 01:09:30,721
Thank you.
1069
01:09:31,478 --> 01:09:34,929
A little trick for you there
that was invented by...
1070
01:09:35,023 --> 01:09:36,980
By my enormous brain.
1071
01:09:37,067 --> 01:09:39,522
Thank you and good night.
1072
01:09:41,613 --> 01:09:42,727
What?
1073
01:09:45,074 --> 01:09:47,744
Thank you.
Tony White showing you a new flower trick
1074
01:09:47,827 --> 01:09:49,950
and also his distinctive ring piece.
1075
01:09:51,080 --> 01:09:53,867
Don't worry. Whoosh!
Right over the kids' heads.
1076
01:09:53,958 --> 01:09:56,449
Anyhow, next up,
it's Karl Allen, Mind Monger.
1077
01:10:01,006 --> 01:10:03,960
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
1078
01:10:04,051 --> 01:10:07,336
I am about to take you on a journey
into the mind,
1079
01:10:07,429 --> 01:10:13,016
a journey travelling by brain,
as we make contact with the other side.
1080
01:10:13,935 --> 01:10:15,595
He's not doing medium, is he?
1081
01:10:15,687 --> 01:10:21,227
I shall cast the spirit sphere
at total random into the sea of brains.
1082
01:10:29,993 --> 01:10:31,368
Jason?
1083
01:10:31,911 --> 01:10:33,074
It is Jason, isn't it?
1084
01:10:34,747 --> 01:10:38,033
Me? Yes. I can't believe it.
1085
01:10:41,379 --> 01:10:46,503
Jason, I'm sensing that
you've recently lost someone. Am I right?
1086
01:10:46,592 --> 01:10:49,961
Yeah. Yeah, a friend of mine, Peter.
I can't believe it.
1087
01:10:51,055 --> 01:10:54,388
I believe Peter has something
he would like to say to you,
1088
01:10:54,474 --> 01:10:58,970
so, please, join me on stage,
as I penetrate the ectoplasm.
1089
01:11:16,954 --> 01:11:18,199
Are you all right?
1090
01:11:18,289 --> 01:11:20,745
Hello? Are...
1091
01:11:23,461 --> 01:11:24,919
Is this part of it?
1092
01:11:25,838 --> 01:11:27,747
Give me a sign if this is part of it.
1093
01:11:30,009 --> 01:11:31,123
Bollocks.
1094
01:11:32,886 --> 01:11:36,172
So, sir, Jason, please...
1095
01:11:37,182 --> 01:11:39,175
He's off, mate. He's concussed.
1096
01:11:43,605 --> 01:11:46,357
The human mind, and... Good.
1097
01:11:46,441 --> 01:11:51,435
So, I will now search
the spirit zone for another.
1098
01:11:52,113 --> 01:11:53,228
Is...
1099
01:11:53,907 --> 01:11:57,358
Is there a John in tonight?
1100
01:11:58,494 --> 01:12:00,368
A Mr John something?
1101
01:12:03,749 --> 01:12:04,994
Seriously, no Johns?
1102
01:12:05,918 --> 01:12:09,453
Show us some magic!
- Yeah, throw us your magic ball!
1103
01:12:09,547 --> 01:12:11,373
Throw it!
- Over here, mate!
1104
01:12:11,465 --> 01:12:16,257
Yes, indeed, let us use the spirits
to find another subject.
1105
01:12:24,728 --> 01:12:26,436
Thank you, madam.
1106
01:12:26,521 --> 01:12:30,768
So, tell me, have you ever lost anyone?
1107
01:12:30,859 --> 01:12:32,567
Yes. Yes, I have.
1108
01:12:32,652 --> 01:12:33,731
Excellent.
1109
01:12:34,529 --> 01:12:36,652
Den, he died, and...
1110
01:12:36,739 --> 01:12:40,607
He was killed.
A van hit him two months ago.
1111
01:12:41,577 --> 01:12:45,195
Is he... What's happened?
Does he need to speak to me?
1112
01:12:50,211 --> 01:12:52,666
Is he all right? Can I speak to him?
1113
01:12:53,631 --> 01:12:56,964
He was trying to say something,
but the ventilator was so loud that...
1114
01:12:58,010 --> 01:13:01,461
Can you tell him I miss him? Very much.
1115
01:13:01,555 --> 01:13:02,883
Yes.
1116
01:13:08,645 --> 01:13:12,061
Yes, I'm sure you do, and I wish I could help
1117
01:13:12,148 --> 01:13:14,686
bring you and your companion
back together, but...
1118
01:13:16,319 --> 01:13:18,359
I'm sorry. The truth is, I can't.
1119
01:13:19,447 --> 01:13:23,112
And anybody who says they can is a liar.
1120
01:13:28,372 --> 01:13:32,536
There is no spirit realm.
There is no ectoplasm.
1121
01:13:32,626 --> 01:13:34,619
The whole thing's bollocks.
1122
01:13:34,712 --> 01:13:36,254
Courteney Cox!
1123
01:13:36,338 --> 01:13:39,423
Psychics are either cynical careerists,
1124
01:13:39,508 --> 01:13:44,384
or, if you look at them
in the best possible light, deluded schizos.
1125
01:13:47,307 --> 01:13:48,801
Courteney bloody Cox!
1126
01:13:50,102 --> 01:13:51,726
Sorry. Good night.
1127
01:13:55,523 --> 01:13:58,608
Take his name off the list
for the finalists' carvery.
1128
01:13:58,693 --> 01:14:01,065
No pork loin for that fucker.
1129
01:14:02,363 --> 01:14:03,822
Would the Remarkable Carringtons
1130
01:14:03,907 --> 01:14:05,780
make their way to the stage, please?
1131
01:14:12,164 --> 01:14:17,538
Oh, my God, Karl! I just saw.
What the hell was that? I just kept thinking,
1132
01:14:17,628 --> 01:14:21,044
"He's just so going to turn this around
and do something,
1133
01:14:21,131 --> 01:14:25,840
"you know, completely amazing out there."
You just totally didn't.
1134
01:14:25,928 --> 01:14:28,798
- You're so out!
- Yeah.
1135
01:14:28,889 --> 01:14:31,131
Yeah, I guess it's looking pretty good
for me and Harry.
1136
01:14:31,224 --> 01:14:34,676
- Anyway, look, I'll see you later.
- Linda, listen...
1137
01:14:34,770 --> 01:14:39,764
Just make sure when you're on stage,
double check. Triple check.
1138
01:14:39,858 --> 01:14:41,897
Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
We've done it, like, a thousand times.
1139
01:14:41,985 --> 01:14:44,024
I mean, Harry's doing
the Gresham finish or something, anyway.
1140
01:14:44,112 --> 01:14:47,029
Seriously, Linda, you don't know
what he's capable of.
1141
01:14:47,115 --> 01:14:51,243
I heard you earlier. You goaded him.
You indulged in goading.
1142
01:14:52,412 --> 01:14:54,902
Carol thought it was all going to be fine.
1143
01:15:05,090 --> 01:15:06,834
Mandy Pandy
and her Flags of the World there,
1144
01:15:06,925 --> 01:15:08,384
an act with a message.
1145
01:15:08,469 --> 01:15:10,093
Okay, it's not going to end
the AIDS pandemic,
1146
01:15:10,179 --> 01:15:12,716
but maybe, just maybe, it's a start.
1147
01:15:22,565 --> 01:15:24,273
Harry! Stop that!
1148
01:15:24,359 --> 01:15:28,309
I'll bang my head if I want to, Karl.
You can't stop me.
1149
01:15:29,322 --> 01:15:31,315
Listen, Harry,
I just wanted to say about Linda,
1150
01:15:31,407 --> 01:15:35,108
you do know all the stuff that Tony was
saying about sleeping with her was bullshit.
1151
01:15:35,203 --> 01:15:36,317
It was just sledging.
1152
01:15:36,412 --> 01:15:38,369
Oh, sure. Karl, why are you even...
1153
01:15:38,456 --> 01:15:40,365
Really. I saw them in the bar that night.
1154
01:15:40,458 --> 01:15:42,249
They had one drink,
and then she went back to her room
1155
01:15:42,334 --> 01:15:44,292
and Tony stayed, trying it on with everyone.
1156
01:15:44,378 --> 01:15:46,454
Even Crying Game Violet.
1157
01:15:46,547 --> 01:15:50,959
But Linda said it was true.
Why would she say something like that?
1158
01:15:51,051 --> 01:15:53,589
She was probably just trying to
get a reaction, Harry. You know,
1159
01:15:53,679 --> 01:15:56,964
poking the husk with a stick,
seeing if there's any juice in it.
1160
01:15:58,058 --> 01:16:00,679
Anyway, I'm just saying
don't be angry with her,
1161
01:16:00,769 --> 01:16:02,726
and please, don't murder her.
1162
01:16:03,271 --> 01:16:04,434
You what?
1163
01:16:04,522 --> 01:16:06,065
Well, the last time
you thought your assistant
1164
01:16:06,149 --> 01:16:08,142
had been unfaithful to you,
you murdered her,
1165
01:16:08,234 --> 01:16:11,152
so I'm saying this one wasn't,
so don't murder her.
1166
01:16:11,988 --> 01:16:14,526
I don't believe it! You actually think I...
1167
01:16:15,325 --> 01:16:18,575
Is this why you've never apologised
for Carol and you?
1168
01:16:18,661 --> 01:16:21,199
Well, why should I apologise
to the murderer?
1169
01:16:21,289 --> 01:16:23,577
I didn't murder her, all right?
1170
01:16:23,666 --> 01:16:25,789
Of course you did!
You cut her bloody head off!
1171
01:16:25,876 --> 01:16:28,581
- I didn't mean to!
- Okay, fine. Prove it.
1172
01:16:28,671 --> 01:16:31,043
- I can't prove it!
- Exactly.
1173
01:16:31,131 --> 01:16:33,539
and Linda to the stage.
1174
01:16:33,634 --> 01:16:35,626
Harry Kane and Linda to the stage, please.
1175
01:16:35,719 --> 01:16:39,302
All I'm saying is that
this is me you're talking to, Harry,
1176
01:16:39,389 --> 01:16:41,963
who you've known since you were 13,
1177
01:16:42,059 --> 01:16:45,677
and do you really, really think
that I could murder someone?
1178
01:16:45,770 --> 01:16:48,178
Me? Actually do a murder?
1179
01:16:48,273 --> 01:16:51,642
Or do you think maybe it's just a bit easier
for you to think that I'm a murderer
1180
01:16:51,735 --> 01:16:56,028
than to face up to all the guilt
for having screwed your best friend's wife?
1181
01:17:05,998 --> 01:17:07,113
Now our final performance
1182
01:17:07,208 --> 01:17:11,336
is from another of the Magic Table's
favourite sons, Harry Kane,
1183
01:17:11,420 --> 01:17:15,998
or as he now apparently revels
in being known, the Black Widower.
1184
01:17:24,599 --> 01:17:28,099
to the Black Widower's lair.
1185
01:17:28,186 --> 01:17:30,677
He dwells in a world of pain and fear,
1186
01:17:30,772 --> 01:17:34,472
with the stench of death always near.
1187
01:17:36,277 --> 01:17:40,322
But before you breathe your final breath,
he'll taunt you
1188
01:17:40,406 --> 01:17:43,158
with the Balls Of Death!
1189
01:17:45,286 --> 01:17:50,197
Is that taunting?
Does that ball work constitute taunting?
1190
01:17:58,966 --> 01:18:02,417
And now, the final hour is here.
1191
01:18:02,511 --> 01:18:07,469
Who will face the Blade of Fear?
1192
01:18:40,214 --> 01:18:41,922
This is sick.
1193
01:18:42,716 --> 01:18:45,207
This is so sick
it might actually make the papers.
1194
01:18:52,017 --> 01:18:54,887
Harry. Harry, I'm just not sure
if we did enough...
1195
01:18:54,978 --> 01:18:56,223
Shall we check again?
Did we do enough checks?
1196
01:18:56,313 --> 01:18:58,389
Of course I did enough checks.
1197
01:19:00,483 --> 01:19:02,025
I just... I'm sorry.
1198
01:19:03,319 --> 01:19:06,190
Linda, it's... We've got to...
1199
01:19:06,281 --> 01:19:08,688
- It's time to...
- Yeah. I just...
1200
01:19:09,367 --> 01:19:10,398
I'm...
1201
01:19:12,119 --> 01:19:14,610
I'm sorry. Harry, I can't.
1202
01:19:15,790 --> 01:19:17,663
Sorry. I'm sorry.
1203
01:19:23,756 --> 01:19:26,543
What's she playing at?
He only did it wrong once, love!
1204
01:19:34,474 --> 01:19:35,672
Well, I...
1205
01:19:37,269 --> 01:19:41,313
This is unexpected and... Shit.
1206
01:19:42,357 --> 01:19:45,192
I don't suppose anyone else
would be willing to...
1207
01:19:48,488 --> 01:19:51,157
No. No. Naturally, of course.
1208
01:19:52,075 --> 01:19:55,906
- Well, all remains is for me to say...
- Black Widower.
1209
01:19:59,206 --> 01:20:01,614
I'll face the Blade of Fear.
1210
01:20:04,587 --> 01:20:08,086
- Is this some kind of horrible joke?
- Harry, I believe you.
1211
01:20:08,173 --> 01:20:10,545
Tell them to put the music back on.
1212
01:20:10,634 --> 01:20:13,967
And I'm sorry for the time me and Carol...
1213
01:20:14,054 --> 01:20:15,845
That was wrong.
1214
01:20:19,351 --> 01:20:22,020
So, it's the Gresham finish,
using a trap, right?
1215
01:20:24,105 --> 01:20:26,857
So are we okay now, Harry?
1216
01:20:26,941 --> 01:20:29,859
Or are you still, you know,
angry with me at all?
1217
01:20:29,944 --> 01:20:31,604
Because that would be
perfectly understandable,
1218
01:20:31,696 --> 01:20:34,103
but, you know, I did apologise.
1219
01:20:34,782 --> 01:20:36,063
And just so you know,
1220
01:20:36,159 --> 01:20:39,112
what you think happened
between me and Carol didn't really happen.
1221
01:20:39,203 --> 01:20:41,611
I mean, we did do things but just...
1222
01:20:41,706 --> 01:20:46,035
Well, I don't want to go into too much detail,
but, you know, she demanded satisfaction.
1223
01:20:46,127 --> 01:20:49,827
Sorry, I've probably said too much,
but, you know, the implication's clear.
1224
01:20:49,922 --> 01:20:52,080
She made me go down on her.
1225
01:20:54,301 --> 01:20:57,088
Plus, I think you should know,
I resisted her for years.
1226
01:20:57,179 --> 01:20:59,006
I mean, she was trying it on
at your wedding reception.
1227
01:20:59,097 --> 01:21:00,426
I was, like, "No way."
1228
01:21:01,600 --> 01:21:03,888
You're not taking this badly, are you?
1229
01:21:04,769 --> 01:21:07,011
I mean, you know,
I was by no means the first.
1230
01:21:07,105 --> 01:21:10,106
There are a lot of people
you should be angrier with than me.
1231
01:21:10,191 --> 01:21:12,148
I mean, they were queuing up.
1232
01:21:12,235 --> 01:21:14,477
I mean, everyone said she gave great head.
1233
01:21:15,196 --> 01:21:17,189
Look, look, I think I've made the gesture
coming out here,
1234
01:21:17,281 --> 01:21:22,702
but now, maybe, maybe you should do it
with a cabbage. Yeah? Mate?
1235
01:21:23,996 --> 01:21:26,072
Oh, shit!
1236
01:21:39,761 --> 01:21:42,087
Oh, God. No.
1237
01:21:42,931 --> 01:21:44,722
No. No!
1238
01:22:13,627 --> 01:22:14,956
Come on!
1239
01:22:30,352 --> 01:22:34,266
Well, I don't think that anyone
has ever seen a final quite like that,
1240
01:22:34,356 --> 01:22:37,440
and I do not, in any way,
mean that in a positive sense.
1241
01:22:38,776 --> 01:22:42,477
So, the Magic Table Special
Innovation Award
1242
01:22:42,572 --> 01:22:45,027
goes to Tony White for his flower trick!
1243
01:22:45,116 --> 01:22:47,689
Yes! Yes! Yes! Fucking yes!
1244
01:22:49,704 --> 01:22:54,698
Mike, Lenny, Jimbo,
I thought you were just arseholes,
1245
01:22:54,792 --> 01:22:58,208
but, you know what?
You're not just arseholes.
1246
01:22:58,295 --> 01:22:59,754
Thank you.
1247
01:23:04,384 --> 01:23:07,753
And so, to the ultimate Shieldist.
1248
01:23:08,472 --> 01:23:11,887
And it is over my objections,
because, seriously, was that good,
1249
01:23:11,975 --> 01:23:14,596
or was it just a massive cock-up
quite well disguised?
1250
01:23:14,686 --> 01:23:15,931
Yes, that's right.
1251
01:23:16,021 --> 01:23:19,639
It's congratulations
to the Black Widower, Harry Kane!
1252
01:23:30,451 --> 01:23:33,950
Thank you, Mike,
and I just want to dedicate this award
1253
01:23:34,038 --> 01:23:37,454
to the man who got me into magic,
Karl Allen,
1254
01:23:37,541 --> 01:23:40,328
who dug me out of a hole tonight.
1255
01:23:41,462 --> 01:23:44,416
And I'd just like to say
that there's someone else
1256
01:23:44,506 --> 01:23:47,460
who should be receiving this award with me,
1257
01:23:47,551 --> 01:23:52,011
the assistant who got me
into the final in the first place, Linda.
1258
01:23:53,974 --> 01:23:58,102
Yes, come on up here, Linda,
because you deserve to be up here,
1259
01:23:58,895 --> 01:24:01,137
and because... Because...
1260
01:24:03,733 --> 01:24:05,642
The truth is, I...
1261
01:24:07,570 --> 01:24:08,685
I love you.
1262
01:24:10,073 --> 01:24:12,112
I love you, Linda Jones.
1263
01:24:23,961 --> 01:24:26,831
I'm so sorry for walking out on you, Harry.
1264
01:24:26,922 --> 01:24:30,967
Listen, Linda, I just wanted to say
I don't actually love you, not yet.
1265
01:24:31,051 --> 01:24:34,052
It just seemed like that's what I needed
to say to get you to come up here.
1266
01:24:34,137 --> 01:24:35,845
I mean, I like you, a lot.
1267
01:24:35,931 --> 01:24:40,723
I expect, in time, I'll come
to call those feelings love. It's just...
1268
01:25:29,941 --> 01:25:31,056
I'm sensing.
1269
01:25:31,150 --> 01:25:36,061
Yeah, I'm sensing a spirit trying to send
a message to someone in this room.
1270
01:25:37,740 --> 01:25:39,448
Okay, thank you. Thank you.
1271
01:25:40,618 --> 01:25:45,743
Is there anyone here who's female,
under 25, and recently had a break-up?
1272
01:25:47,917 --> 01:25:51,036
Okay, okay, let's spread the net a bit wider.
1273
01:25:51,128 --> 01:25:54,082
Are there any other ladies here,
sort of 25 to 30,
1274
01:25:54,173 --> 01:25:56,331
having a tough time, on a rebound?
1275
01:25:57,551 --> 01:26:01,383
Yeah, you. Yes, definitely you.
I've got a message for you.
1276
01:29:57,823 --> 01:30:00,196
Okay, Karl?
I know you're playing in Blackpool tonight,
1277
01:30:00,284 --> 01:30:03,451
and guess what? I'm in the sand, Karl.
1278
01:30:03,537 --> 01:30:05,779
I'm buried up to the neck in sand.
1279
01:30:05,873 --> 01:30:08,115
And the tide's coming in, that's right.
1280
01:30:08,917 --> 01:30:12,500
So are you gonna come and dig me out?
'Cause I'm not doing it myself.
1281
01:30:13,755 --> 01:30:16,211
Come on, Karl. Come get me.
1282
01:30:17,509 --> 01:30:19,466
Really hope you get this message.